Overnight

”You were the same man on sunday mornin' as saturday night”

Been rocking out to country, as usual, and today I was listening to Justin Moore's  ”Grandpa”. . .and that line immediately made me think it's what ”he” is not. I can't lie to him anymore about why I don't want to take him to church anymore. It's because I spend those Saturday nights with him and then seeing his Sunday face just makes me mad.

He's expressed an "almost guilt". Wishes he could undo. . .because I think he knows he played a part. Blame him? No. I'm an adult. I am responsible for my own decisions. He's just the one who introduced me to this "drug". I love him. I hate him. But, he is my best friend, whatever that means. I'm not prone to intimacy with the emotionally unavailable. . .and regularly just unavailable. I wish I could tell him I just need to talk, but he'd take it as clinginess. But still, I wish I could have that intimacy. . .the way we feel comfortable with each other. . .except lately as I've realised how dulled his emotion is, mine is supressed.

And she? Number 2 since I've been back. Boys come and sweep girls off their feet. . .and there's just so little there anymore. Please tell me I wasn't like that.

And, well, everyone is just new. There's no deep bond yet. Doesn't mean there won't be, but it takes time.

time. . .I've got a lot of it, but what good is it, when your battle buddy doesn't even have a clue?

T

He's graduating. I sent my last letter. Hopefully in time. Forgot to make a copy. I didn't know what to do so I just faked it. Eww. How do you tell the kid that the ”God” you talked about is a thing of the past? How do you explain that the people you're supposed to trust in church are really just going to make you their secret, tell you to go die, or tear apart your family?

If you're me, you don't. You hope that maybe God is real and that the child can believe. You tell them to make good christian friends, to trust leaders and submit to them. And in doing so, you become that same fake person.

You don't tell them that the guy sitting next to you is ashamed of sleeping with the girl, but still does it. Or that you can't go back to the church you went to every week because one of the members is sleeping around, threatening people, and telling someone she should kill herself. Or that the guy preaching Matthew 18 divides a family by ignoring it. You don't tell the truth, that you're crying yourself to sleep because it looks like your buddy is on drugs. That your best friends are the ones who don't go to church. That you still pretend because you're too afraid honesty will hurt your family and result in scorn. But the tears are definitely the worst part.

I feel like such a fake but it's too much to explain for now.