Hindsight pt 2

Unnaturally late talks with my brother. The talks I love to have. Verbalising truths we know about our Saviour, about the Bible, about our lives.

Often in the daytime, our intercourse is mostly light-hearted and in jest. When the sun is long set and we are enervated; when the exigence of the day has drained us, descant tends to adopt a more sombre tone.

My affinity toward him was borne of an appreciation of his simple yet intelligent faith, defence of women, perspicacity, and his general friendliness.  Our mutual appreciation of rational conversation has made discourse easy. Time and trials have led us to a familial relationship.

Lord knows how I have needed a brother to watch out for me. And He gave me one.  We've had many ups; we've had some dark downs. But the relationship yields fruit. There is a fragrance of our Lover.  Sweet fellowship we have.

Our latest topic involved God's grace.


I have noticed we are often in similar states at the same time. This time we were both distraught over failure. He reminded me that God was fully aware of my sin before he chose me. Is it not amazing to realise how Christ knew that even after professing his name we would still deny him with our actions? He KNEW I would fail [intentionally at that], but still gave himself for me, and offered me salvation.  Jesus knew, as he was washing Peter's feet, that Peter would be denying him soon. And still he chose to humble himself and serve Peter. Amazing love, how can this be?

I took that picture below from a friend's facebook. The timing is interesting in light of these thoughts. As I regard the rendering, I wonder what the disciples thought. I'd venture to say some thought it strange that their Messiah was washing loudmouth Peter's feet. Why did Jesus require participation for fellowship?  Was Peter confused about this strange act?  And Jesus? well he knew Peter would deny him, but he showed love to Peter. There was no ulterior motive. I'd bet he was saddened; hurt. But he also loved this outspoken man so ardently.

Later, Peter bears the mark of a man humbled by grace. His epistles carry an urgency toward gentleness and holiness. I'm sure Peter was haunted by memories of his failures, but he also so evidently knew the grace of God; and yet he did not have a slack attitude toward holiness. He calls for submission and love--hardly the man who sliced off another's ear or cursed when asked if he knew Jesus. God's grace is not an occasion to fail again. Rather, it must be a motivation to honour him.

But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.  For if these things are yours and abound,you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

 2 Peter 1:5-10

What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him. For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

Romans 6:1-14

Hindsight

I remember when You kneeled to wash our feet that night Though I resisted, You explained it had to be As an example of how we should serve each other But as You gently cleansed my feet what did You see? It seems like yesterday we al sat there together And each word You said stirred fire in my soul Vowing I'd be Your most faithful man, come sun or stormy weather But as You smiled at me then you must have known As You gently poured the water You heard me say I never knew You As You wiped away the dust You saw me hide beneath a lie As You anointed me with oil You must have known I wouldn't stay You washed my feet, so I could walk away Looking back I can't imagine how You did it I could not have shown such love if I had known That this man whose feet I washed would soon deny that he had known me Still You humbly served Your servant, now that love cuts to the bone Because I promised that I never would deny You I said I'd rather die than curse Your name And all along You loved me though You knew they were shallow empty words And now each time my feet are washed, it just reminds me of my shame As You gently poured the water You heard me say I never knew You As You wiped away the dust You saw me hide beneath a lie As You anointed me with oil You must have known I wouldn't stay You washed my feet, so I could walk away How could You love me? Why did You love me? Now for the first time I can finally see things clearly You gave love and asked for nothing in return So now I pledge my life to loving others just like You loved me Oh how the memories of that night You washed my feet have set me free As You gently poured the water You heard me say I never knew You As You wiped away the dust You saw me hide beneath a lie As You anointed me with oil You must have known I wouldn't stay You washed my feet, so I could walk away by Everybodyduck click the title to listen.

Ponderances and questions for God

As of late I have frequently pondered God's reasons for certain human attributes.

Why do we have emotional memories?  Obviously remembering that fire burns or bleach is poisonous is important, but why do we have memories about people? Why do some memories haunt and others bring happiness?

Also, I have wondered why we fear consequences so much.  Consequences are the logical end to an action; however, I think it is one of God's graces that we fear negative consequences so much. Often I am not motivated to do the right thing for his pleasure, but for the avoidance of my pain. It's as though he built in another level of protection even when we do not have a heart to serve him. Sometimes when the initial fear is not enough, remembering (yes this is how it ties in) the emotional trauma and consequences of a past decision will keep us from a repeat.

I am thankful that though sometimes memories just haunt me, my memories and fears often keep me from disaster. God's watching out for me, even when my heart is far from him

Heck-tic.

What a week it has been!

Sunday-travelled to Oceanside and back via train to be with my family. stayed up till 0100

Monday-got up at 0530. Worked my normal 10 hour, no break day. Had my first panic attack. Hopefully the only one. (If I was not before, I am now convinced sin causes a lot of mental illness!) Had my brother come over after midnight to talk about some things. stayed up till 0230.

Tuesday-got up at 0500. Worked for 15 hours, no break, including flying to Utah. Went to bed around 2200? No idea. Lots of crying from the kids.

Wednesday-woke up multiple times, got up at 0530 PST. Worked for 17 hours including coming back from Utah. Fell asleep during the day due to extreme fatigue. Started having symptoms of bladder infection. Went to bed sometime after 2315.

Thursday--woke up sometime before 0745. Was going to school to make up a test then go to class, but I rear ended another vehicle. Despite minor damage, it took well over an hour till I could leave and I was ticketed for not having my insurance card. The officer did not mark it as correctable. Ended up going back to school to take the test, which I did not do well on. Stayed up till at least 2245

Friday--woke up at 0400 in a lot of pain, due to infection. Literally curled up in bed in tears. Went to work at 0700, left from 0815-1045 to go get checked.  Decided on Planned Parenthood due to affordability (not sure how I feel about going there. . . ) Went back to work, till 1700. Dr said I probably will feel better with a lot of rest--though I am rising early to get math help from one of my bros.

So, under 30 hours of sleep in 5 nights; over 50 hours of work.

Stressful events. . .mental haunts. . .physical trauma. . .look at me kvetching here.

Really, it was a hellish week, but there is one thing I wish to reiterate: God is still on the throne. I have highs, and I have lows like this week. But my God is faithful, never-changing. He is my stability, the sure foundation upon which I rest. I am dealing with a lot of mistakes I have made recently but he extends so much grace. As I endure the graces of consequences, I realise there is just one safe place for me--in his arms. Now, I shall succumb to another grace of his--the inability to keep my eyes open will force me to get some good sleep.  Praise Him for his goodness! Despite missing 3 days of work this pay period ( a full week), I made enough in overtime this week that just 5 of my 21 accrued vacation hours brought my cheque amount to normal. I was fully expecting to need to use 20 hours and miss only 2 days--the 3rd missed day was not planned, but neither was the overtime. Thank you Father!

Water

In 40 hours of travelling, I consumed $28 worth of bottled water.  No, I did not drink THAT much water. Instead, I consumed water purchased at a premium. It is disgusting to me, to think that I could consume the same for less than $1 if it was from the case I most recently purchased. An excess $27 went toward the luxuries of airport-purchased and room-service-delivered water.

Now, I did not pay for this, as I was not travelling for myself but for work. The truth is it is hard to be cost efficient when travelling, but to think of all those profits made on my 40 hours' worth "special" water . . .I drank my 4 litres of premium waters while 7500 children died due to lack of clean water. According to some figures I found during a google search, $28 could also be spent to provide 10 years of clean water to 3 people, not 2 days for one person!

I am so disenchanted with the ways of this world. Our pleasure and luxury blinds us. 

1,000 Thanks

31. Vanilla. I love the smell of vanilla.

32. Danyo. my big brother. he watches out for me, and God uses him so much in my life.

33. asparagus. I love the creativity God used in making plants, especially the tasty edible ones.

34. pillows

35. blogs. I love reading the autobiographies-in-progress of people who serve God.

36. my mum. could I even begin to list what she has taught me?

37. snow. There is something so amazing about the stuff. again, God got creative.

38. baking. I love making cookies for my brothers.

39. a child's laughter. ever heard two babies laughing together? it's an amazing sound

40. the way a baby fits so comfortably in my arms. I wonder how much more amazing it will be with my own

A Very Interesting Series of Events

Just finished this--which I started over a month ago!

Here I am, procrastinating.

I do not wish to write another paper. Blegh. English.

So, I recall what shall heretoforth be referred to as A Very Interesting Series of Events; Entertaining Angels, or A Beggar, Next Time, Haiti. (not A Beggar; Next Time, Haiti! Big difference)

On Monday after I left work, I headed to the grocery store to purchase some vegetables for my supper. I chose to head home a way other than my normal paths.  Maybe because I knew there was a store along that way? I am not entirely sure. Either way, I believe it was divinely orchestrated.  I saw an older man in a wheelchair begging as I turned into the store parking lot.  After much inner turmoil, I decided to buy him some dinner.  I picked up some food and cookies, and packed a dinner for him with a few dollars and a note telling him that God loves him.  I was still fighting it.  Finally, I just went for it, I started driving out the parking lot, but because the light was green, I kept going, and turned into the next entrance and parked. I noticed he was getting up and I watched to see where he went. He slowly pushed his wheelchair across to the sidewalk, then sat back in it and started scooting along.

I went up to him and asked him if he was hungry.  He very quietly affirmed that he was, so I gave him the food, and said few words to him. He thanked me and I walked to go back to my car, which was about 10 metres away. When I reached my car, I turned around and he had completely disappeared from sight. I looked in all directions. I looked as I drove out.  I have no idea where he went, but at that moment, "entertaining angels" came to mind. Maybe there is a simple, natural explanation of why he was out of sight so quickly. Either way, I was reminded of this--

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it. Hebrew 13:2 NASB

(ok that box was accidental but kinda cool)

Angel or not, this event got me to thinking.  Thinking about following the Holy Spirit, of being the hands and feet of Jesus.  As I drove home (listening to Next Time by the Arrows of course), I started thinking about sponsoring another child in Haiti immediately instead of waiting until I pay my car off in June, as I had been planning to do.  I decided to pray about it, and cautious person I am, put out a fleece.  Anyone who knows me knows I love a good night's sleep, but I asked that God wake me at "2am or something"  if I was to sponsor then. Guess what? at 1:54 I woke up. I prayed for the child I would be sponsoring, thanked God, and fell back asleep.  That week, I tweeted about sponsoring another child before I went to Compassion's website and realised there were no Haitian kids available. The cool thing about Twitter is that it is very easy to ask quick questions of businesses that use it (like Compassion!). I asked when I would be able to sponsor, and through some volley with a CI employee, found out Haitian kids would not be available for a bit (due to the earthquake). However, when I checked back while waiting for a response, there were 2 kids available; both younger than I was looking for. As I checked back over the next 48 hours, there were, at one point, 8 kids available, and there happened to be an older girl--exactly what I was looking for. I chose the older girl, Rose, and it is my pleasure to introduce this lovely young woman as my 2nd child

Rose Betty, 17

I checked back later and there were no Haitian kids. Again, I think God orchestrated the timing.  

That song really gets to me.  I couldn't stop crying as I drove home from the store. How many times have I wasted God's time, in my unwillingness to represent him by loving others? I pray that God would give me the words Rose needs to hear (read); that I could just be a reflection of his love and of his holiness. She is almost fully grown, and she lives in a place that is so poor, so desperate. Compassion is equipping her to end the cycle of poverty. 

I also hope that I can learn some Kreyòl from her letters

Drained

seems I no longer have my own words. I know not why this is. Maybe I lack inspiration. Maybe this hell-hole of hedonism drains everything from me.

I do feel drained. I am so tired, so lethargic. Physically and spiritually. I lack sleep, I consumed too many chemicals (I think I had Velveeta in my food--over 24 hours ago and I still feel yucky). I lack rest; the peace, the contentment. I am overwhelmed by the calls of pleasure. Living in this Babylon is wearying.  Living in my own lusts is destructive.  I have the hope of Christ. I have the transforming power of the Spirit. But immunity to the dastardly ways of the enemy is not mine while I inhabit this body.  I thought getting out of the state would clear my mind, but here, newly returned from beauty, I am even more exhausted. I need more than a new location--I need the refreshing scenery as a complement to the words of life. I have not been reading enough, and it shows. How I need to pore over his love letters!

Oh, how I need him!