Going

I have realised I could go to Colorado sooner than I expected, as there really are good paying nanny jobs out there.

With a savings goal of 10 thousand, it would take at least 18 months; less with a second income.

My associate's will take about 18 months going almost full-time

But here's the thing: I want to volunteer with CASA, which asks for a 2 year commitment

And it requires a CA DL. I already tried changing my car title. . .but it will require another trip to CO. I need to find out if I can get a CO title with a CA license.

Gahhhhh it's so hard having my heart in one state but being productively stuck in another.

One thing's for sure. . .there is a lot of trouble here. Not that it is not in CO.

Kryptonite.

Achilles' heel. . .

Whatever you want to call it

There's a complete loss of power.

So what? we like it. . .it's in being puppets that I (we?) feel most real.

and all I ever wanted was to be real. 

Overnight

”You were the same man on sunday mornin' as saturday night”

Been rocking out to country, as usual, and today I was listening to Justin Moore's  ”Grandpa”. . .and that line immediately made me think it's what ”he” is not. I can't lie to him anymore about why I don't want to take him to church anymore. It's because I spend those Saturday nights with him and then seeing his Sunday face just makes me mad.

He's expressed an "almost guilt". Wishes he could undo. . .because I think he knows he played a part. Blame him? No. I'm an adult. I am responsible for my own decisions. He's just the one who introduced me to this "drug". I love him. I hate him. But, he is my best friend, whatever that means. I'm not prone to intimacy with the emotionally unavailable. . .and regularly just unavailable. I wish I could tell him I just need to talk, but he'd take it as clinginess. But still, I wish I could have that intimacy. . .the way we feel comfortable with each other. . .except lately as I've realised how dulled his emotion is, mine is supressed.

And she? Number 2 since I've been back. Boys come and sweep girls off their feet. . .and there's just so little there anymore. Please tell me I wasn't like that.

And, well, everyone is just new. There's no deep bond yet. Doesn't mean there won't be, but it takes time.

time. . .I've got a lot of it, but what good is it, when your battle buddy doesn't even have a clue?

T

He's graduating. I sent my last letter. Hopefully in time. Forgot to make a copy. I didn't know what to do so I just faked it. Eww. How do you tell the kid that the ”God” you talked about is a thing of the past? How do you explain that the people you're supposed to trust in church are really just going to make you their secret, tell you to go die, or tear apart your family?

If you're me, you don't. You hope that maybe God is real and that the child can believe. You tell them to make good christian friends, to trust leaders and submit to them. And in doing so, you become that same fake person.

You don't tell them that the guy sitting next to you is ashamed of sleeping with the girl, but still does it. Or that you can't go back to the church you went to every week because one of the members is sleeping around, threatening people, and telling someone she should kill herself. Or that the guy preaching Matthew 18 divides a family by ignoring it. You don't tell the truth, that you're crying yourself to sleep because it looks like your buddy is on drugs. That your best friends are the ones who don't go to church. That you still pretend because you're too afraid honesty will hurt your family and result in scorn. But the tears are definitely the worst part.

I feel like such a fake but it's too much to explain for now.

I want to go back but. . .it feels so contrived. Though that world was once so familiar, and the language came so easy, now it just feels fake. Like earlier this month when Ben and I drove up to Bubbie's house, except it wasn't her house anymore. it looked the same-I saw that garden I helped tend just as it was. But she hasn't been there for years. Oohs the same but it's completely different. That's how it would be for me. And I just can't see faking that.

I came. fighting back all the hurt. I don't know any of these people here. . . Met a few but I never wish to be close. Oh he knew. Quiet woman, ” nothing” on my mind.  ” don't expect me to guess” well of course not, love. The whole point is I don't want you to.

Maybe I was looking like I was falling asleep, but really I was falling apart. As of now, I wish to not enter church with you tomorrow. To you it is a place of worship and a chance to interact with similar people. To me it's remembering what we do in secret (hardly  ”holy”), and realising if I spend so much time around these people I'm just inviting someone to wrench open my heart and plunder. I can handle all the crap secularity throws at me. I cannot, however, handle all the shit christians force-feeds me

Claw

You'll find the best?  And definitely the worst people in the church. Oh those were nasty words we've exchanged. But I feel I'm too fragile to have anything to do with churchy people. None of my secular friends told me tip go kill myself.

Music

some music worth checking out:

The Arrows • These two lovely ladies from Durban, South Africa don't sound like anything you've ever heard. With honest lyrics and a raw sound, they'll leave you wanting more. Check out their albums The Arrows and Make Believe, available here

NewWorldSon • Soul music that's good for your soul--from Canada. Check out their albums Salvation Station and NewWorldSon , available in Christian book stores

Evan Wickham • Evan and his lovely wife Sandy make some really great music. I was blessed to have Evan as my youth pastor for junior high and some of high school. I was so spoiled being raised on him. Still my favourite worship leader. His songs are great (he's now branching out into some love songs too!) Check out Mysterious Things and Above the Sky

Danyew • Hitpoints • Phil Danyew has one of the most amazing voices EVER, and he's a skilled musician. Check out his EP, Danyew. He's also in a band (hence the Hitpoints link). We went to high school together, and it's been really cool to hear him grow in his talent.

any more of this song and it sounds like a dead romance. no, it is just a []. . .friendship, if you could call it that

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

I can't handle all this pain
All we ever do is fight anyway
Why we even tried I haven't a clue
With hearts involved
There's way too much to lose

My Roses!

I believe I never mentioned that I am now a correspondence sponsor in addition to sponsoring 2 Compassion kids!  This is Rose (8) from Haiti.

And I sponsor Rose (17) also from Haiti 

I thought it was pretty cool that when I requested a correspondence child (the younger Rose), she happened to have the same first name as the one I already sponsor.  I am also super excited for when I get a new picture of Tamirat.  He has 5 more months in the program.

Baking

I dream of the day I have a kitchen to myself.

When the banging of pots and pans at any hour is okay.

When I can get flour everywhere and not care.

I love baking. I would love to be able to bake out my frustrations. To retreat to the kitchen and relax as I mix. I would love to try new recipes, to smell cinnamon and sugar and chocolate and various fruits warming my space.

And after baking, I would cook something for myself (probably with spinach or zucchini). and then, wait. Till the oven has finished what I started.

And then, I would have a bunch of things I do not want to eat, and I would be able to find someone who likes baked sweets.

I forgot how much flatter Colorado cookies are!

Right now, I bake when I can for these guys-- (this is my excuse for link love) Anthony, Dan, Paul (and the blogless brother, Alex!). I sure will be sad when they all move out in a month!

How to Tell if you are Getting Old

Go on Facebook. If your friends are "friending" someone whose diapers you used to change, you are getting old.

Wow. What a moment.

Home Sweet Home

Though I generally use this blog to talk more about my ideas and spiritual things, I wish to [again] relay the events of the past week. (We can call this venting, perhaps?)

At the generous offer to the tune of 48K airline miles from my boss, I purchased a ticket to Colorado. Granted, it still cost 2.5 times what my last trip cost between the last minute purchase fee and the additional miles that needed to be purchased, but I truly believe a $75 trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity.  And the nice thing was first class required the same number of miles as economy.  So I had my first trip flying in first (and one of what will be very few, if not the only one in my life).

Wednesday. Headed over to my brothers' place and finished packing. Then Paul drove me to the aeroport. If not for the excitement of all my reading (Bible, The Music of His Promises, Hope Lives, and Not For Sale), I would have gone absolutely crazy with anticipation.  Ashley picked me up in Denver, and so began a week of absolute beauty, hot weather, a great friend, and Good Times (ok I only ate there twice!). And friend drama. Seriously, I was on a call dealing with one friend's drama when another call came in.  I felt like a mom.

Thursday. Brought Ashley to work, and then I went and waited at the DMV for hours. How I miss the Chapel Hills Mall DMV in COS! The main CO DMV was inefficient at best. Even so, I am glad to now have an adult license[FINALLY!] Rather, I have a "vertical" license that appears to be long expired (see the sticker on the back) with a hole punched in it, and a separate piece of paper that says I went and got my new license. Then I went back to Ashley's place, showered (I was really sweaty from all that heat), and made my way back to pick her up. And so we went to Colorado Springs. My heart was so full of joy when I first saw my Peak.

We ended up meeting with her friend Charlie, and had a nice conversation about social justice. (Mark, here's where I started talking about you. Were your ears burning? teehee). Then we went to a bar, where I met two more of her friends. We 4 gals were just chatting, enjoying the karaoke and drinking (not very much, I promise, mom!), and Ashley went up and sang a song. Then, I look into the other room where some people were playing pool. I had already looked around a few times, just people watching. But this time, my eyes met a familiar set of eyes--my cousin's!  We had only met twice before, and of all the people I do not know in COS, what a coincidence to see him! We talked a bit, exchanged numbers, met each other's friends, then Ashley wowed everyone with her voice. What a night!

Friday. Brought A to work, then went back to the Springs, had lunch with cousin and his wife and daughter, then to see my favourite White people! First I went next door to see E & Z, two girls I used to watch when I lived in the White house. Then as I went to see the White people, I heard a familiar voice yelling, "Annabelle's here! Annabelle's here".  Wow. No more "Lala" or "Ah-bull". Nope, E was full on saying Annabelle. What a great thing to see his darling face,  then G, and L and of course, my favourite dog--Bono. (And then J came upstairs)

E-showing his Texan side

E

Bono 

I made dinner for the Whites, and just enjoyed an evening with them (minus K, boo!). G said to me as I was laughing at E's antics that she missed hearing my laugh. What a funny thing to hear. I do not typically think of missing someone's laugh, but in reality, one of few memories I have of Nathanael was him laughing late at night when I was in bed.  While it seems an odd thing at first glance, it was great to hear nonetheless. I too miss all the laughter in the White house. E's sweet voice, K's "watch me!", G's dancing and singing in the kitchen, and J's jokes and theology. And of course L is such a darling baby. She was so cute walking around with my necklace on. And when she gave me a kiss. Oh man, I miss my favourite White people.  Drove back to DEN and ended up talking with Danyo as I tried to find Ashley. (A-sorry I was so late. D-nice to talk to you on a serious level, bro). Ended up with a movie and a drink with Ash.

Saturday. Lazed the day away, then had nails done and "linner" with Ashley and her mum. Another movie in bed.

Sunday. Ok so I slept in instead of going to church. Then we went to the renaissance festival in Larkspur. Super hot, gorgeous, and itchy. Seriously, why was I so itchy? (I swear having a couple of drinks helped). Then back to the Springs. Dinner with cousin & fam, and A's new buddy, S (cousin's old Army buddy). Then Ft Carson fireworks. We were gonna go to another bar but I wanted new lip jewelry, so we made a quick stop by a piercer. Ashley ended up with a last minute nose piercing. We decided to head back to S's house for drinks, but then he and cousin were running into ex-wife issues, so another bar. Oh joy. Apparently my being quiet is too conspicuous even with a cousin I have met just twice before (by then 5 times).  I really just sat there quietly, deep in thought. A and S went off to talk, and cousin and friend were off talking. I ended up with another guy just talking to me, then went outside and called Paul. We finally got home after 4.

Colorado just is not the same
without dusty Chaco-lines on
strangely man-ish looking feet!

this is a firework on a camera on firework setting

this is a firework on drugs on a camera on firework setting

Monday. More sleeping in. Then Ashley and siblings went to their dad's to swim. I however, needed some alone time, so I drove out to the prairie, and just sat in the stillness. Sure, a shopping centre was RIGHT there, but I could look in 5 directions (N, W, E, up and down) and see God's creation.  Quieted my heart. Then I had to go back. Back to reality. Met some more of A's family, had a couple of drinks, then I had to take a nap. I crashed so hard. When I woke up, I was more ready for interaction. Just spent time with her family all night, then when she retired, I did some budgeting on the couch with her cousin there, and after everyone left, I talked to Paul. Finally went to bed super late.

Tuesday.  Slept in a bit, then packed up and A's sis took me to the aeroport. I was so sad to get on the plane. It was weird being treated so well in first class. Paul got to LAX about an hour and a half after I landed, and so began the talking. Halfway back, I was incredibly itchy. AGAIN. When we got back to the apartment, I took Benadryl then watched some TV with him. I fell asleep, but woke up in tears, from some unknown terror. It was like the night terrors I had as a kid. I was in hysterics. FOR NO REASON. I knew there was a reason I did not take diphenhydramine. I can't remember if it was a previous reaction or something weird from its cousin, doxylamine. Anyway, night terrors and hallucinations are not worth itch relief. I still have no idea what all happened after I took it. I vaguely remember leaving. Vaguely remember the sun was setting. But I don't remember driving home. And my phone is missing. Oy vey.

All in all, it was quite a week. What a crazy end though. No more Benadryl for me. If I have to be in this miserably hot weather again, why must it be here? I miss my Colorado. I really, really want to move back.

Oh, and how could I forget? The Jeeps are so sexy out there

This is the Jeep that made me hot for Jeeps. Go Gayle!

My Peak [left] Blodgett [rightmost peak]

Blodgett peak [leftish] and USAFA [centre]

Knowing

If you do not speak French, Latin or Italian and as a result don't know the different verbs translated "know" try reading this. It sounds very similar--I've been thinking about this a lot!!


what is it to know God? we know it is not to simply know of Him (savoir), but to actually know (connaitre) Him personally. And what does he say it is to know him?  In Jeremiah 22, God gives a warning to Josiah's wicked son, Shallum, who oppressed his workers for his own personal gain. In the midst of warnings, God uses Josiah as an example of a man who knew him, and it showed in his actions: "He judged the cause of the poor and needy. Then it was well 'was this not knowing Me?' says the LORD" (Jeremiah 22:16)

Josiah was quite a man. Crowned king at the age of 8, he ruled over Judah for just 31 years, dying before 40 because he "did not heed the words of Necho, from the mouth of God" He died because he ignored a warning not to engage in battle. This was the logical consequence for his mistake. However, Josiah left an amazing legacy. At the age of 16, we are told he began to seek God, and at the age of 20, began to clean Judah of its idolatrous way. He completely destroyed the centres of idol worship, and in the midst of this deep cleaning, the Book of the Law was found. When Josiah learned of the law, he was broken over the way his nation had completely rejected God's law.  He reinstituted the Passover when he was 26.  In just 39 years of life, Josiah left quite a legacy--" Now before him there was no king like him, who turned to the LORD with all his heart, with all his soul, and with all his might, according to all the Law of Moses; nor after him did any arise like him" (2 Kings 23:25)  So in 2 Kings and 2 Chronicles, we see that Josiah changed the ways of his nation, bringing them back to righteousness before God, and in Jeremiah his legacy was performing righteousness and justice and defending the cause of the poor and needy. What a man to emulate!! What can I be doing in my sphere of influence to do as he did? How can I awaken my nation to God's ways; how can I be known for righteousness and justice?

Last week I read these two verses in my devotions:

"To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice." (Proverbs 21:3) 

"For I desire mercy and not sacrifice; and the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings." (Hosea 6:6; Jesus quoted this verse twice--in Matthew 9:13 and 12:7)

and this week, I was re-reading Isaiah 58:

"Is this not the fast that I have chose: To loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out; when you see the naked that you cover him, and not hide yourself from your own flesh?" (vv 6, 7)

Social justice is not just a fad or something we do to feel better about ourselves. God has called us to this fast, for he desires justice more than any sacrifice we could ever give. It's not about a backwards social snobbery. It's not about a show. It's about a heart that desires to honour God.  He gave us an easy way to do it. We crave the tangible in our lives. And he put his people made in his image--his beloved creation here on this earth. We can show our love of God, our fellowship with him, by showing it to his people.

What Came in the Mail (and some link love!)

Today I received 2 packages in the mail.  I had been eagerly awaiting them, and kept asking mum if they had arrived.  Today she finally checked the mail, and today, I finally came down to see her! As soon as I got home, I tore into the packages.

Here's what came in the mail for me:

(read about Miss Rebecca's Learn a Little, Win a Little~ A Giveaway, which I won [yay!] Then subscribe to her blog)


and

(recommended to me by Mark--subscribe to his blogs here and here) 

I got it on Amazon, and plan to read it on the plane. 

Faults

mel·o·dra·mat·ic/ˌmelədrəˈmatik/Adjective

• Characteristic of melodrama, esp. in being exaggerated, sensationalized, or overemotional.

This really bothers me. I do not want to be melodramatic.

Every Girl's Favourite Topic

Men. Boys.

ok, not my favourite, but still worth mentioning.


Not that I date, but if I did, I think I would enforce the 5-7 years older thing, and even prefer >7years older. But even age, and lack of maturity aside--

I wonder, where are the men who stand up? I want to stand by a man who stands up for God and His children. The one who invests himself fully into whatever ministry God has him in. Not the one who's squandering his youth on the American Dream.

I literally know not a single man in my age group who is willing to give up everything he has in life to serve. They're all still running for a life of luxury. Living up big dreams of an easy life. Not offering their bodies as living sacrifices, willing to do even the dirtiest of work for their Love.

and as a side note, (though I see this issue less in females) where are the women who are willing to give up their dreams to be man's help-mate? We're so hungry for love and attention. . .but these boys are not going to fulfil us. There's so much drama in mixed company. Where's the quiet spirit? The gentleness? The willingness to serve?

They Prayed

He said something along these lines: "I have told everyone about [. . .] but I know they are not praying for me."

It was not an excuse, but rather a picture of what Christianity is these days. We are human. We fail. Sometimes intentionally. But sadly, we are often found in these situations either with a partner in sin or a complete lack of friends who dare to reach into the darkness.

And having been there before, knowing in hindsight that she laboured over me in prayer, I was glad. Thankful for those times God intervened on account of her intercession. I do not know what the occasions were. I do not know to what extent prayer affects happenings (Would God still intervene sans intercession?). But I do know that I was surrounded by prayer and I am confident it changed things.

Back to the present-how would it have been different if people were praying? How blessed am I to have those friends, who will not take my excuses, who direct my gaze toward the heavenly places, who shower me in scripture, and above all, who pray.

And so I remember I should be the one who dares to be different. The one who loves him not with affection, or with praise or gifts, but by offering him up to his father.

Pondered

But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart--Luke 2:19

In the midst of excitement over the newly-borne Jesus, we find one little verse about Mary.  Seems that though she was surrounded by all this hullabaloo, she kept quiet, was introspective. I think about this a lot. When my life is starting to get exciting and emotions run high, I frequently recall this verse and wonder if it is better that I process things.  It is in my nature to often remain nearly stoic in positive emotion, but sometimes I must remind myself not to talk about it, because it is also in my nature to spill. Just minutes ago, it seemed I was in a flurry, excited about what I think God is calling me to. And now I keep a quiet heart. I refrain from speaking my thoughts right now. But I will say this:

I don't know when, I don't know how, and I don't know why. But I'm going 

I wonder if the thoughts in my head are truly the answers I have been searching for. Why, God, have you kept me here? Why does it seem I may remain here even longer? Maybe it is all part of the plan. The plan you had to call me to --.

Illogical

Did I seriously just do that?


Yes, sadly, I did.

I just sent a series of nasty texts to my buddy. Complete with all sorts of profanity, attacks on his character, and very cruel intentions. What a mess. I still disagree with what he said. But what I said was absolutely uncalled for.

Seems nearly every conversation we have had lately involves us talking about being logical. According to him, I am rather logical for being female. This was a complete swing into illogical emotional mayhem. Mom knows I hold it all in till I explode. I did not even realise myself what wickedness I harboured in my heart toward him. That was very, very ugly.

It started with a good intention too. When I first made my request of him, it was out of love.  I still do not know who is right. I believe I am. Regardless, my words were an expression of wickedness within me. To hell with that crap [and stay there! there should be no place for it in my life].  We could disagree on the request for the rest of our lives, but there is absolutely no place for me to remove grace from my speech.

I was so angry and tired that I do not recall what all was said (nor do I wish to!). It stopped when I fell asleep.

That was probably the most I have ever used those disgusting words. What a mess. The fool multiplies words.

I was plagued by demons. I rarely glimpse the spiritual wars around me, but by the time I was about to fall asleep, I could clearly sense the demons about me. Thank God for sleep. Maybe some logicality returns with rest. I am much more calm.





For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ 


2 Corinthians 10:3-5

phrases

I cannot stop thinking about this--"The Secret of Understanding is Obedience"

I have noticed I often have little to write here [excluding paltry things] when I am disobeying. I am convinced I just hear so little from God; have so little knowledge of him when I do not align myself with his call.

Those words cycle through my head, part of a long list of phrases in my mind. Phrases from our talks. Phrases from things I've read. And a few phrases straight from God. 

A double minded man [is] unstable in all his ways.

To be honest, my love for him motivates me to obedience more than my love for Him.

Part of the Problem

As soon as I start praying against some great evil in the world, God whispers to me, "how can you expect to change it if you're contributing to the perversion of my plan?"


Oh crap. About that. . .


Though I refer to a specific incident here, this happens frequently. Especially in regard to my brother. Every time I find something I think he needs to fix in his life, I realise I recognise it only because I am doing the same. And so my brother's faults serve as reminders of my own. And by the time I get around to removing the plank from my own eye, I notice there is often no speck left in his. 


In this specific case, I know the evil I see is not magnified by my selfish thoughts. It truly is terrible. But how can I expect to change it if I cannot remove myself from another variety of the evil?

Sharing

I love Compassion.  But if this is not your first visit, you probably knew that.


But did you know I read their blog like a stalker? I have read about 700 posts on their blog so far.  I really really enjoy reading it.  In fact, sometimes, it's just so dang good, I have to steal the entire post and share it here.  Well it happened again. This time, Shaun Groves wrote an AWESOME post about effectively sharing your passion for defending the cause of the poor and needy. Here we go:

One of my jobs/joys is speaking and singing on behalf of Compassion International. I was never taught how to do it though, so I did it very badly at first and little by little, with much trial and much error, I figured out what (often) works and what (often) doesn’t. The learning continues and always will, but here’s a little of what I’ve learned so far.

1. Tell us a story.

The best arguments and the greatest passion in the world are forgotten sooner than a story. Every bit of advice here can be carried out in a story.

2. Don’t lie.

Exaggerating is lying.

3. Why do you care?

You’re not in it for the money right? No, you saw something, felt something, learned something once that changed your heart and mind. You were captivated, fell in love, got angry. Tell us a story that shows us why you care and we’ll probably care too.

4. No statistics.

Instead of saying “X number of kids die of malaria each year in Africa,” for instance, you could say, “Daniel’s mother sat on the end of his bed smiling, proudly showing off the mosquito net that covers Daniel so he won’t die like so many African children do.” Does the number matter? Not to your audience. But Daniel does.

5. Don’t be a pamphlet.

Stay away from too many program specifics, technical jargon, numbers, marketing slogans. Those are great for web sites but you’re a person. Compassion International, for instance, meets four kinds of needs: physical, economic, spiritual, social. I aim to show how they’re met without naming them. Instead of “physical” I can say, “We had a hamburger together and she told me her favorite meal is chocolate cake!” Instead of “economic” I can say “Her mother is learning how to turn her knack for cooking into a business so one day she won’t need my help to care for her daughter.” Instead of “spiritual” I can say, “Susan asked if she could pray for us before we left her home.”

6. Keep it simple. (Seemingly.)

You can communicate a lot of info and the audience will never realize it, be overwhelmed by it, or get confused if it’s all contained in one simple story. One. Only one. One. With what happened before X and what happened after X and why it matters to you now. With just enough detail to get our mind’s eye going, but not so much that we wish you would get on with it.

7. Be positive.

Yes, you can get a lot of support for your cause by being a bully, motivating with guilt and shame, or showing pictures of skeletal children covered in flies. I can’t deny these tactics work. They must; a lot of people use them. But I choose instead to show a little of the problem and a lot of solution, to major on the hope. A success story, a picture of a child eating or smiling, a thank you letter from someone helped – I believe those motivated by hope stay motivated.

8. Your cause is not your goal.

My goal is not to get kids sponsored. My goal is to teach Christians about God’s love for them and the world and to remind them to show that same love. I routinely ask the audience to express their love for God and the world in ways that do not benefit the cause of Compassion at all. Compassion is one way to love. This perspective shift allows me to treat “competitors” like allies and stop measuring success only by the numbers.

9. Forgive them.

I know you care deeply about your cause because you love pandas or single moms or kids. But if we don’t love it too that doesn’t mean we don’t love something of equal importance with equal depth. And it doesn’t mean we don’t love you. Remember, your cause is not your goal, so please forgive us. Otherwise, and I’ve done this, your anger will make you a bully. (See #7)

10. You’re not the persuader.

I believe God is in control. Of everything. But I also know that a brochure on a table or a banner ad on a website don’t get kids sponsored. So, I speak as if the lives of kids depend on me, but I rest well remembering we all depend on God. Sometimes I do everything right and very few kids get sponsored. Other nights I trip over my words and confuse the crowd and lots of kids get sponsored. And I imagine God smiling as He reminds me once again that I can’t make anyone do anything. That’s oddly freeing.

11. Results may vary.

Because of #10, none of this stuff may work for you. It may not work for me some nights either. It’s not likely, but it’s possible. So, most nights before I speak, I pray and ask God to change my plans. Then I shut up and listen. Sometimes – most of the time – God’s silent. But other times a new idea that shouldn’t work floats into my head. Sometimes I try that new idea and discover it came from the burrito in catering and not from God at all! Other times I ignore it and kick myself for a few days because my perfect plan flops. But sometimes I don’t ignore it and the near-miraculous happens.
So, pray. Listen. Be flexible, willing to ignore any and all of these tips if you have good reason.
And no burritos before the big speech.

http://blog.compassion.com/shaun-groves-11-tips/
http://shaungroves.com/2009/10/11-tips-for-persuaders-to-a-cause/ 

Contrast

"Wait. I'm confused" (one of my trademark phrases)


This has always been what I loved. I love the cuddly hold-me-while-I-sleep stage. 

E-man. Love this little guy. Smartest kid I know

T. Didn't see him many times before I moved back.

R.  The one I currently watch.

Y my cousin. a few months before I went to CO.

playing with his soft hair,

kissing his cheeks and forehead,

caressing the contours of his face, 

rubbing his back,

watching his back rise and fall, 

hearing each breath. . .

I love it all. 

However, I had a shock last week. As I watched R's mum holding him and cuddling, I suddenly lost all desire to have kids. My lifelong goal obliterated in a tender moment.  All the diapers, the crying, wiping noses, sweat and tired muscles. . .none of it phased me. But a mama interacting with her baby, and I wanted none of it. 


Of course later Wednesday night, I was so happy to have Baby sleeping in my arms on the plane--and again on Friday, I loved holding him and rocking till we both fell asleep. But I am still left with a vague aversion to having my own children. 


Possibly for selfish reasons--

I like my freedom. 
I like having my alone time. 
I like that my lap is empty at night,
I like that my breasts are mine-- 
That my shoulder is not as a pillow;
my arms not a cradle. 

At times, I have so desperately wanted to be a mother. At other times, I wanted it, but was content to wait.


What a strange, strange thing to have normalcy leave me. Even if just for a minute.


At the moment I am ambivalent. Life is so distant to me right now. Obviously, I am living, and I participate as well, but I feel as if I am stopped at a fork in the road, trying to make my mind up, which seat am I gonna take? (sorry if it's stuck in your head). Even so, excluding lack of appropriate circumstances, I am not sure about kids. Eleven years of babies galore, and I finally hit that point. Does this mean a burnout is approaching as well?






Feelings are so dang confusing. I hate 'em sometimes! 


PS. The last pic is a California winter, if you were wondering.

Joining in on the fun.

Since all the cool kids post about OsAMA, I shall too.


He sparked a photoshop war when a very nice lady decided to make a silly picture of her brother (who retaliated by making her ObAMA)

Now that he is dead, he could still start some photoshop wars. Maybe

Vacillate

I hate not knowing what to do next. Not because I fear the move.  I am just torn between relationships that are established and places that I love. I trust God's move, I just do not like having time to weigh pros and cons. 

Hindsight pt 2

Unnaturally late talks with my brother. The talks I love to have. Verbalising truths we know about our Saviour, about the Bible, about our lives.

Often in the daytime, our intercourse is mostly light-hearted and in jest. When the sun is long set and we are enervated; when the exigence of the day has drained us, descant tends to adopt a more sombre tone.

My affinity toward him was borne of an appreciation of his simple yet intelligent faith, defence of women, perspicacity, and his general friendliness.  Our mutual appreciation of rational conversation has made discourse easy. Time and trials have led us to a familial relationship.

Lord knows how I have needed a brother to watch out for me. And He gave me one.  We've had many ups; we've had some dark downs. But the relationship yields fruit. There is a fragrance of our Lover.  Sweet fellowship we have.

Our latest topic involved God's grace.


I have noticed we are often in similar states at the same time. This time we were both distraught over failure. He reminded me that God was fully aware of my sin before he chose me. Is it not amazing to realise how Christ knew that even after professing his name we would still deny him with our actions? He KNEW I would fail [intentionally at that], but still gave himself for me, and offered me salvation.  Jesus knew, as he was washing Peter's feet, that Peter would be denying him soon. And still he chose to humble himself and serve Peter. Amazing love, how can this be?

I took that picture below from a friend's facebook. The timing is interesting in light of these thoughts. As I regard the rendering, I wonder what the disciples thought. I'd venture to say some thought it strange that their Messiah was washing loudmouth Peter's feet. Why did Jesus require participation for fellowship?  Was Peter confused about this strange act?  And Jesus? well he knew Peter would deny him, but he showed love to Peter. There was no ulterior motive. I'd bet he was saddened; hurt. But he also loved this outspoken man so ardently.

Later, Peter bears the mark of a man humbled by grace. His epistles carry an urgency toward gentleness and holiness. I'm sure Peter was haunted by memories of his failures, but he also so evidently knew the grace of God; and yet he did not have a slack attitude toward holiness. He calls for submission and love--hardly the man who sliced off another's ear or cursed when asked if he knew Jesus. God's grace is not an occasion to fail again. Rather, it must be a motivation to honour him.

But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.  For if these things are yours and abound,you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

 2 Peter 1:5-10

What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him. For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

Romans 6:1-14

Hindsight

I remember when You kneeled to wash our feet that night Though I resisted, You explained it had to be As an example of how we should serve each other But as You gently cleansed my feet what did You see? It seems like yesterday we al sat there together And each word You said stirred fire in my soul Vowing I'd be Your most faithful man, come sun or stormy weather But as You smiled at me then you must have known As You gently poured the water You heard me say I never knew You As You wiped away the dust You saw me hide beneath a lie As You anointed me with oil You must have known I wouldn't stay You washed my feet, so I could walk away Looking back I can't imagine how You did it I could not have shown such love if I had known That this man whose feet I washed would soon deny that he had known me Still You humbly served Your servant, now that love cuts to the bone Because I promised that I never would deny You I said I'd rather die than curse Your name And all along You loved me though You knew they were shallow empty words And now each time my feet are washed, it just reminds me of my shame As You gently poured the water You heard me say I never knew You As You wiped away the dust You saw me hide beneath a lie As You anointed me with oil You must have known I wouldn't stay You washed my feet, so I could walk away How could You love me? Why did You love me? Now for the first time I can finally see things clearly You gave love and asked for nothing in return So now I pledge my life to loving others just like You loved me Oh how the memories of that night You washed my feet have set me free As You gently poured the water You heard me say I never knew You As You wiped away the dust You saw me hide beneath a lie As You anointed me with oil You must have known I wouldn't stay You washed my feet, so I could walk away by Everybodyduck click the title to listen.

Ponderances and questions for God

As of late I have frequently pondered God's reasons for certain human attributes.

Why do we have emotional memories?  Obviously remembering that fire burns or bleach is poisonous is important, but why do we have memories about people? Why do some memories haunt and others bring happiness?

Also, I have wondered why we fear consequences so much.  Consequences are the logical end to an action; however, I think it is one of God's graces that we fear negative consequences so much. Often I am not motivated to do the right thing for his pleasure, but for the avoidance of my pain. It's as though he built in another level of protection even when we do not have a heart to serve him. Sometimes when the initial fear is not enough, remembering (yes this is how it ties in) the emotional trauma and consequences of a past decision will keep us from a repeat.

I am thankful that though sometimes memories just haunt me, my memories and fears often keep me from disaster. God's watching out for me, even when my heart is far from him

Heck-tic.

What a week it has been!

Sunday-travelled to Oceanside and back via train to be with my family. stayed up till 0100

Monday-got up at 0530. Worked my normal 10 hour, no break day. Had my first panic attack. Hopefully the only one. (If I was not before, I am now convinced sin causes a lot of mental illness!) Had my brother come over after midnight to talk about some things. stayed up till 0230.

Tuesday-got up at 0500. Worked for 15 hours, no break, including flying to Utah. Went to bed around 2200? No idea. Lots of crying from the kids.

Wednesday-woke up multiple times, got up at 0530 PST. Worked for 17 hours including coming back from Utah. Fell asleep during the day due to extreme fatigue. Started having symptoms of bladder infection. Went to bed sometime after 2315.

Thursday--woke up sometime before 0745. Was going to school to make up a test then go to class, but I rear ended another vehicle. Despite minor damage, it took well over an hour till I could leave and I was ticketed for not having my insurance card. The officer did not mark it as correctable. Ended up going back to school to take the test, which I did not do well on. Stayed up till at least 2245

Friday--woke up at 0400 in a lot of pain, due to infection. Literally curled up in bed in tears. Went to work at 0700, left from 0815-1045 to go get checked.  Decided on Planned Parenthood due to affordability (not sure how I feel about going there. . . ) Went back to work, till 1700. Dr said I probably will feel better with a lot of rest--though I am rising early to get math help from one of my bros.

So, under 30 hours of sleep in 5 nights; over 50 hours of work.

Stressful events. . .mental haunts. . .physical trauma. . .look at me kvetching here.

Really, it was a hellish week, but there is one thing I wish to reiterate: God is still on the throne. I have highs, and I have lows like this week. But my God is faithful, never-changing. He is my stability, the sure foundation upon which I rest. I am dealing with a lot of mistakes I have made recently but he extends so much grace. As I endure the graces of consequences, I realise there is just one safe place for me--in his arms. Now, I shall succumb to another grace of his--the inability to keep my eyes open will force me to get some good sleep.  Praise Him for his goodness! Despite missing 3 days of work this pay period ( a full week), I made enough in overtime this week that just 5 of my 21 accrued vacation hours brought my cheque amount to normal. I was fully expecting to need to use 20 hours and miss only 2 days--the 3rd missed day was not planned, but neither was the overtime. Thank you Father!

Water

In 40 hours of travelling, I consumed $28 worth of bottled water.  No, I did not drink THAT much water. Instead, I consumed water purchased at a premium. It is disgusting to me, to think that I could consume the same for less than $1 if it was from the case I most recently purchased. An excess $27 went toward the luxuries of airport-purchased and room-service-delivered water.

Now, I did not pay for this, as I was not travelling for myself but for work. The truth is it is hard to be cost efficient when travelling, but to think of all those profits made on my 40 hours' worth "special" water . . .I drank my 4 litres of premium waters while 7500 children died due to lack of clean water. According to some figures I found during a google search, $28 could also be spent to provide 10 years of clean water to 3 people, not 2 days for one person!

I am so disenchanted with the ways of this world. Our pleasure and luxury blinds us. 

1,000 Thanks

31. Vanilla. I love the smell of vanilla.

32. Danyo. my big brother. he watches out for me, and God uses him so much in my life.

33. asparagus. I love the creativity God used in making plants, especially the tasty edible ones.

34. pillows

35. blogs. I love reading the autobiographies-in-progress of people who serve God.

36. my mum. could I even begin to list what she has taught me?

37. snow. There is something so amazing about the stuff. again, God got creative.

38. baking. I love making cookies for my brothers.

39. a child's laughter. ever heard two babies laughing together? it's an amazing sound

40. the way a baby fits so comfortably in my arms. I wonder how much more amazing it will be with my own

A Very Interesting Series of Events

Just finished this--which I started over a month ago!

Here I am, procrastinating.

I do not wish to write another paper. Blegh. English.

So, I recall what shall heretoforth be referred to as A Very Interesting Series of Events; Entertaining Angels, or A Beggar, Next Time, Haiti. (not A Beggar; Next Time, Haiti! Big difference)

On Monday after I left work, I headed to the grocery store to purchase some vegetables for my supper. I chose to head home a way other than my normal paths.  Maybe because I knew there was a store along that way? I am not entirely sure. Either way, I believe it was divinely orchestrated.  I saw an older man in a wheelchair begging as I turned into the store parking lot.  After much inner turmoil, I decided to buy him some dinner.  I picked up some food and cookies, and packed a dinner for him with a few dollars and a note telling him that God loves him.  I was still fighting it.  Finally, I just went for it, I started driving out the parking lot, but because the light was green, I kept going, and turned into the next entrance and parked. I noticed he was getting up and I watched to see where he went. He slowly pushed his wheelchair across to the sidewalk, then sat back in it and started scooting along.

I went up to him and asked him if he was hungry.  He very quietly affirmed that he was, so I gave him the food, and said few words to him. He thanked me and I walked to go back to my car, which was about 10 metres away. When I reached my car, I turned around and he had completely disappeared from sight. I looked in all directions. I looked as I drove out.  I have no idea where he went, but at that moment, "entertaining angels" came to mind. Maybe there is a simple, natural explanation of why he was out of sight so quickly. Either way, I was reminded of this--

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it. Hebrew 13:2 NASB

(ok that box was accidental but kinda cool)

Angel or not, this event got me to thinking.  Thinking about following the Holy Spirit, of being the hands and feet of Jesus.  As I drove home (listening to Next Time by the Arrows of course), I started thinking about sponsoring another child in Haiti immediately instead of waiting until I pay my car off in June, as I had been planning to do.  I decided to pray about it, and cautious person I am, put out a fleece.  Anyone who knows me knows I love a good night's sleep, but I asked that God wake me at "2am or something"  if I was to sponsor then. Guess what? at 1:54 I woke up. I prayed for the child I would be sponsoring, thanked God, and fell back asleep.  That week, I tweeted about sponsoring another child before I went to Compassion's website and realised there were no Haitian kids available. The cool thing about Twitter is that it is very easy to ask quick questions of businesses that use it (like Compassion!). I asked when I would be able to sponsor, and through some volley with a CI employee, found out Haitian kids would not be available for a bit (due to the earthquake). However, when I checked back while waiting for a response, there were 2 kids available; both younger than I was looking for. As I checked back over the next 48 hours, there were, at one point, 8 kids available, and there happened to be an older girl--exactly what I was looking for. I chose the older girl, Rose, and it is my pleasure to introduce this lovely young woman as my 2nd child

Rose Betty, 17

I checked back later and there were no Haitian kids. Again, I think God orchestrated the timing.  

That song really gets to me.  I couldn't stop crying as I drove home from the store. How many times have I wasted God's time, in my unwillingness to represent him by loving others? I pray that God would give me the words Rose needs to hear (read); that I could just be a reflection of his love and of his holiness. She is almost fully grown, and she lives in a place that is so poor, so desperate. Compassion is equipping her to end the cycle of poverty. 

I also hope that I can learn some Kreyòl from her letters

Drained

seems I no longer have my own words. I know not why this is. Maybe I lack inspiration. Maybe this hell-hole of hedonism drains everything from me.

I do feel drained. I am so tired, so lethargic. Physically and spiritually. I lack sleep, I consumed too many chemicals (I think I had Velveeta in my food--over 24 hours ago and I still feel yucky). I lack rest; the peace, the contentment. I am overwhelmed by the calls of pleasure. Living in this Babylon is wearying.  Living in my own lusts is destructive.  I have the hope of Christ. I have the transforming power of the Spirit. But immunity to the dastardly ways of the enemy is not mine while I inhabit this body.  I thought getting out of the state would clear my mind, but here, newly returned from beauty, I am even more exhausted. I need more than a new location--I need the refreshing scenery as a complement to the words of life. I have not been reading enough, and it shows. How I need to pore over his love letters!

Oh, how I need him!

Return

It wasn't what I thought it would be.


Deployment: over.
Everyone I love is home for now.
But it's not what I thought I would feel.

Life just goes back to normal in a moment

I Will Wait For You

From P4CM's Lyricist Lounge 4, one of my favourite videos. It was my second LL, and this time, I had a lot of friends come. Hooray!

All about the kind of man you don't need (or need to be), then all about the kind of man you do need [to be] and the kind of woman to (or to have)

Weed

1,000 Thanks

Part 3.

As before, click the title for the previous post

21. Sovereign Grace of Orange County. Simply put, I love this church and my brothers and sisters there

22. tea. I love how many different aromas and tastes I can put in my mug. Tonight: Chocolated flavoured black tea (decaf!) from Fresh n Easy

23. toothpaste. really. I LOVE the taste and smell of toothpaste, and the way it makes my mouth feel clean. Yes, I am strange?

24. the Ocean. the grey, the blue, the green. the salt-air. the lullaby of the waves. the sunsets.

25. blankets

26. Phở

27. snuggly sleepy babies

28. hugs. real hold-you-close hugs.

29. chilly night air

30. the Bible. words of life

Affluence

Recently, I wanted to see what the dictionary definition of affluence.

When I Googled it, I found a site, affluence.org, that is a social network for those with net worth exceeds $3 million or whose annual income is upwards of $300,000.

Yeah, a million's not enough.

While it's true that financial status can naturally separate persons, without any conscious decision, I find it disheartening that there is a whole social network dedicated to exclusitivity. 

Hip-Hop Lies [REMIX]

Oraia's piece, Hip-Hop lies



This gal is legit.

Be disillusioned by the things of this world. Follow your hunger for more. Don't merely have Christianity. Have Christ. There is no life apart from Christ. Live by his words, his words of life. be alive. Alive in Christ, dead to sin. Dead to self.

Kitties!

No one ever taught him how cats normally sit

ooooooh! look, a tail!

if you are what you eat, this cat must love pears!

slouchy cat

Ribbon, aka Yoda

Walter and Jack

Macabbee howls when we call the cats.

Pibbsy begging at the table

Wally and Jack

testing gravity

beware the fat cat!

??

I have no idea. . .