Conscious

Memories constantly flood my mind. I enjoyed it. But it's destroying me.
Some of it was done in anger. I couldn't let be D be the last one. I
shudder every time I remember what happened there. So I feel as if I
used A. Yes, I wanted to, but still, I used A. Covered my tracks by way
of distraction. But the truth is, it just made twice as many memories.
They turn sour, rancid. What the hell is wrong with me?

Why did God create us this way? He gave us the choice, even the desire,
the cravings, yet they're so deadly. Even if you explain the dangers of
pulling the pin, you still don't hand a grenade to a child. Why does he
give us such dangerous things? I can believe God when it comes to the
scientific. Of course someone had to be the cause for everything I see,
but I don't understand his ways. As always, I'm listening to music, and
it gets to me. "Stop listening to your head and listen to me. Your mind
doesn't understand the things that I see. Next time listen to me cuz my
voice should be louder than your reasoning, those human things." He's
clearly orchestrated so many circumstances beyond my control that are
for my benefit, yet I still refuse to trust him and give him reign in my
life and I find my self in one hell of a mess. What a devious sycophant
I am. I try to give him my lip service and when it doesn't seem to pay
off, I go and try to sneak around. I'm trying to hide from a God who I
claim to believe is omniscient, what craziness is that?

"Still we blame you and we call you names. You don't want robots, you
want our love."