Mentality

I think I have a tendency to scare people when I talk marriage. Why? I
speak candidly, and I think I often sound as if I am suggesting what I
find to be an ideal situation. But here's the disclaimer: I know that
people don't operate in these ideal situations. We live in real life and
we can't act like we live in a perfect world. . .cuz we don't. That
being said, I still offer the caveat as follows: don't settle. Because
s/he knows you aren't perfect, it doesn't mean you shouldn't attempt
perfection.

See, here's the thing--I'll make it perfectly clear that I don't want to
sit around on my tush if it's time to get married. I don't have a
problem with getting married quickly, if it's to someone who doesn't
have the entitlement mentality. We tend to think of marriage as
getting, when really, we should see it as giving. All the benefits are
not what it's about. It's about joining yourself to another when as a
pair, you can serve God and his people better than you can as
individuals. To simplify marriage into a equation, I choose to see it as
marriage=sacrifice.

Marriage isn't a fairy tale. It's not magical. And husbands don't
sparkle.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Think about that. Life. Long. I get
tired of a cell phone contract well before the 2 years is up. Now,
realising a 75 year marriage is a possibility is sobering. And I sure as
hell am not going to always feel swoonful over a man, especially when
he's in his 90s! Old and wrinkly. . .But marriage is meant to be a
CHOICE to love. Day in, day out, through the years. Through the
decades.

Still, I want it. In the right time. Yeah, soon. But not the result of a
rash decision made by one whose common sense is blinded by emotion and
hormones.

Conscious

Memories constantly flood my mind. I enjoyed it. But it's destroying me.
Some of it was done in anger. I couldn't let be D be the last one. I
shudder every time I remember what happened there. So I feel as if I
used A. Yes, I wanted to, but still, I used A. Covered my tracks by way
of distraction. But the truth is, it just made twice as many memories.
They turn sour, rancid. What the hell is wrong with me?

Why did God create us this way? He gave us the choice, even the desire,
the cravings, yet they're so deadly. Even if you explain the dangers of
pulling the pin, you still don't hand a grenade to a child. Why does he
give us such dangerous things? I can believe God when it comes to the
scientific. Of course someone had to be the cause for everything I see,
but I don't understand his ways. As always, I'm listening to music, and
it gets to me. "Stop listening to your head and listen to me. Your mind
doesn't understand the things that I see. Next time listen to me cuz my
voice should be louder than your reasoning, those human things." He's
clearly orchestrated so many circumstances beyond my control that are
for my benefit, yet I still refuse to trust him and give him reign in my
life and I find my self in one hell of a mess. What a devious sycophant
I am. I try to give him my lip service and when it doesn't seem to pay
off, I go and try to sneak around. I'm trying to hide from a God who I
claim to believe is omniscient, what craziness is that?

"Still we blame you and we call you names. You don't want robots, you
want our love."

weak

okay, well I think the guilt/anger is starting to hit me.

Withhold

Today is one of those days where I battle my insecurities all day. One of those days when I feel so alone. Maybe if I had him to hold me right now, I could say some of what is going on. But on the phone I can't say anything. Too scared. Maybe I'm fooling myself to think it will just come out in person. How do you get to the point where you can say the things that are upsetting you, that are controlling you? My difficulty trusting isn't because he doesn't deserve it; rather, it's because I just have a problem.

I don't even know what to do, other than to force what I can out. . .but how much will that be?

Safe

I've been paying more and more attention to how he I work together. I love seeing how similar we are in some things, and how vastly different we are in others. I, as is fairly well known, have a tendency to be rather negative and I kvetch like a true Jew. He, on the other hand, is very positive, and even when he has a pretty lousy day, he gets over it quickly. Every time I talk to him, he makes me laugh, whether inwardly or audibly, and laughter truly is the best medicine. I have not been so happy since my childhood when I was so carefree. Even now, as I am concerned with nearly every major aspect of life for good reason, I find myself unmoved by the tragedies and trials I face in my life because I feel so safe with him. There is nothing that compares to feeling that safety, especially after years of feeling isolation and vulnerability. I'll have to continue this later as I think more about it. . .