Bear to Bare

I'm afraid to bare myself to you. So I give a little at a time. I'm testing the waters. Yes, I do this to EVERYONE that I like. If I think I might want them as a friend, I test. And if they remain, I begin to consider them a new friend. The ones that shy away? Well, good riddance.

But here's something else you should know. Respect my boundaries, yes. But don't be afraid to pursue. Due to recent events, I've withdrawn from nearly everyone. It doesn't mean I'm closed off from them, it just means they actually have to come looking for me.

My word to you? You want it? Come and get it. I am willing to give to you but you have got to ask.

I slowly expose my weaknesses to you to see your reaction. So far, so good. I do wish, however, that you showed a little more interest. This time you ask the questions.

A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart

I've been realising that I really complain a lot. Complaining can really make one miserable. Thankfulness, however, has the opposite effect. When you acknowledge what God has graciously given, you become more thankful for it. Interesting how that works.

Self, thank God. He has given you so much, why do you complain so?

Put A Ring on it

I've been wearing a ring on my ring finger for about 4 years now.

In addition to this message presented visibly, I truly radiate "Stay the Hell away from me," and it has been largely effective, other than a few skeezes who ignored the vibe.

Jay, however, has known me for over 3 years and has been the one to get past it. Oh boy, have the walls come down. To every one else, yes, I still give off my STHAFM attitude. I still wear the ring on my finger. I'm still unavailable. I've always said I don't care if someone thinks I'm unavailable. They better know me well enough to know that I'm unavailable to anyone who wants to get me easily. I don't come cheap, and anyone who hasn't taken the time to get to know me will not be given any love. My love comes with a price.

Jay has spent over 3 years as my friend, and as a little flirt too, hehe. When there is patience involved, you know it's gotta be good. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. He's lucky he didn't ask me out when we were both teens. . .that would have been over by now, and today wouldn't be so good. ♥♥♥♥♥

break

I've noticed I have a strange habit of making court sentences and hitting enter after each one. When I'm really letting other thoughts hide in the extra space at the end of a sentence, it looks like a sad attempt at poetry.

Home

Welp, I ain't going. . .yet. But I'm pretty dang sure I will be soon. My heart is so set on it, and I dream endlessly of my perfectly mapped out life. Great. Expectations. (lol the book). Expectations that most likely will not happen. See, I serve this God who rarely follows my plans. Oh bummer /sarcasm.

Self, don't complain. Be thankful, no matter how dark it seems, there truly is a light at the end

Happy Birthday Madi

Here's a song by that name. why? idk.
It makes no sense, and it's not really exciting, but still, you have a song named after you.

Dreading, Hoping

I find out today. What a scary thing it is to wait. It's so hard to trust that God will provide for me. Because if this doesn't happen I don't know how all these circumstances will work out. I have to keep telling myself that he will take care of me. He has given me all things pertaining to LIFE and godliness.

Please, Lord. I want to go. And I want this boy there too. I want, I want, I want.

Self, praise him either way. Trust him, obey him.

React

I'm scared. I don't react much. Maybe I should. Instead I keep calm, talk about it, and then when no one is looking, I run and FREAK OUT. Here I go.

Blocked

I'm sorry, love, he has come between us. I don't think either of us could fix it, and he has the power, but won't

Faithful? Yes I hope so. I truly, truly hope. I do love you so.

But I don't know what to tell you.

Conscience. I know something you don't know. He doesn't know because he won't know. You can't know. What an ugly thing.

Weakness

I complain so much to him, and he's so patient. He just listens.

I told him I need to turn off my phone but I decided to wait. He seemed to not quite understand that part of my weakness, and anyway, it's his birthday. I feel bad now that I told him that. I was so desperate in that moment.

Poor boy, I am quite a handful.

What a dear, dear gift he is, tesoro mio!

He makes me smile :)

boom!

my life exploded again. drastic changes should be coming to fruition in a few days.

this is the time to say oh crap. wth am i gonna do?

I Will Never Be The Same

I will never be the same.
Now that I have seen the cross.
And how you took upon yourself,
the fullness of the wrath of God
And I may never understand,
just why you suffered in my place.
Jesus, you knew no sins.
how you were made sin for us
And oh how fierce the father's anger.
And though you were pierced, all the pain could not compare.
So dark was the hour when all heaven turned it's face away,
turned it's face away from you.
But how sweet is your mercy.
As it finds it's way to me.

--TBG

Grow Alive

the questioning in my mind
leads me to ignore your grace
penetrate my heart

i feel you grow inside
your spirit so alive

the straining inside my soul
leads me to seek your holy face
ignite my heart

i feel you grow inside
your spirit so alive

TBG

Never Be The Same

So much on my mind lately.
So many words going through my head.
I can hardly think, I barely function.
And I'm unable to engage in relationships.
I don't know how to be here and now,
And I find myself almost forgetting certain people exist.

I wouldn't be surprised if some people think I don't like them because I don't even talk to them any more.

I was telling Alex tonight how you can't know what I know and ever be the same.

I know too much, and I MUST do something.

I don't even know where to begin.

And truthfully, though this may sound like a downer post, it's not. I'm distracted, not devastated.








I can't sit here doing nothing any more.

One it just takes one
To step out from the crowd and show
What love is all about
One it just takes one
To change a life forever
Touch the world and make it better

Addison Road, It Just Takes One

Twilight

HAHAHAHA

THE ANTI GLOBAL WARMING SCIENTISTS

(click title for link to original. accessed 12 January 2010)

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Anti Global Warming Scientists Claim CO2 Isn't Heating the Earth. Global Warming is Simply the Latest Hoax Played by the Elite to Lead Us Deeper Into the NWO Trap.

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Anti global warming scientists claim the major global issue as the media presents it is not global warming. On one side of the matter we have scientists who are government-friendly.

These scientists are claiming with vigor that global warming is caused by human behavior and human actions need to be sanctioned. On the other side anti global warming scientists are giving us quite the opposite opinion on the matter, stating the entire global warming issue is a hoax.

What is the truth? Let's look at the facts. On one side we have a dramatic climate change said to be caused by humans which is leading the planet into a stage of global warming. On this side we also have a money factor, meaning as soon as the issue was publicly declared manmade, government officials announced new laws that would create new taxes. The new announced tax was called the carbon tax.

On the side of anti global warming scientists we have no visible evidence of their interest for involvement. They aren't taking our money or anyone else's that we can tell. The only possible conclusion we can draw from these facts is that these scientists have no other interest in this matter but to inform the public of the elite's new fraud and give the facts on the topic.

WHY THE NEED TO FOOL THE PUBLIC?

The question we may ask is why our government officials and the media want to fool us? Why are they giving us false information of this kind which is contrary to our well being. Creating mass fear in the public is a very serious issue.

Somehow a pattern of the elite's doing appears: scare the public, manipulate, control through tax. The need for this is simple. How to make people believe in something that is totally false? Stage the events, show frightening pictures, create a sense of guilt and then tell us it is for our own good and become the saviors.

Most people don't bother nor have time to get into the matter deeply. Just by seeing a few scientists on the TV giving their opinions makes the public secure that the story is true. After all, the elite own the media outlets and brainwashing the public is something they do all the time.

THE CARBON TAX

Placing a tax on the carbon emissions our vehicles apparently release into the atmosphere has raised great concern, but what can an ordinary person do? He needs the car to get to work or for the work itself and so he will need to pay for its usage. It is interesting how this tax is absurd.

Even if the emissions of CO2 would contribute to global warming how can a tax can help? Is it going to stop it? This all leads us to believe the whole global warming fear campaign is just staged to fill the pockets of the giants that sit behind the curtains.

Anti global warming scientists are definitely right when they say the public should be educated on the matter and become aware of the truth. We shouldn't be slaves to our own lack of knowledge and lack of interest for our well being. The global elite are happy to lead us down the garden path toward their New World Order if we let them.

For You, Mad

darn you, you're incredible

you keep me awake at night.

you know I've lost my focus--I've told you so.

but do you really know, my dear, just what you do to me?

you are incredible.

so, so incredible.

Wanted

No one has ever made me feel as wanted. No one.

But I still wonder if I'm bound to be disposable.

I feel safe with him, but I want to actually be safe, and that hasn't been tested.

Time will tell, now won't it?

The Power to Make Others Happy

I was kinda sad that I hadn't really talked to him today. Just random stuff on facebook. . .

I left my phone at home today, though, and when I came back there was a voice mail.

so we got to talk for 15.

what a nice way to end my day.

a few posts back, I posted an Albert Einstein quote and this one: "Every person has the power to make others happy. Some do it simply by entering a room -- others by leaving the room. Some individuals leave trails of gloom; others, trails of joy. Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism; others trails of faith and optimism. Some leave trails of criticism and resignation; others trails of gratitude and hope. What kind of trails do you leave?”--William Arthur Ward

I've been thinking about how happy he makes me. No, not because I'm totally falling for him. I've always had happy thoughts about him because of who he is, and in the few months that we spent time together, he was such an amazing guy. I have only fond memories of him, and the fondest is the comfort he gave on that really tough day. He didn't even ask. He just wrapped his arms around me, and I felt safe. The laughter we shared (those yellow elephants!) was great, but he wouldn't have etched his name in my memories if it wasn't for his softer side. He's so manly, but he's also such a sweet person.

Fallin' For You

yeah i thought of this song the night of. don't care for the vid much, but here it is




I don't know but...
I think I may be
fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
keep this to myself

Wait until I
know you better
I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to

I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding
what I'm feeeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you

I've been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I dont know what to do
I think I'm falling for you
I'm falling for you

As I'm standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
and we start to dance

All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It's juusst
you and me

I'm trying
Not to tell you
But I want to

I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding
what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I dont know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you

I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you.
I'm fallin' for you.

Ooh, I just can't take it
My heart is racing
Emotions keep spinning out

I've been spending all my time
just thinking about ya
I dont know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you

I've been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

I think I'm fallin' for you
I can't stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can't hide it
I think I'm fallin' for you
I can't stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can't hide it
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Ooohhh
Ooh no no
Oooooohhhhh

Oooh, I'm falling' for ya

friend?

how do you go on being friends with someone you don't really like anymore?
are they even a friend if you have little respect for them, little desire to see them, and are just generally annoyed by them?

the only reason i stay around is for reputation and because i used the "l" word. ya know, the one that never fails? and that covers a multitude of sins?

will the feelings return?

blasted feelings, and the way they mess with perception of reality

Suddenly Jarred

Some things I've been thinking about lately:

A soft surface makes very little noise when something hard lands on it. It gives. It takes the blow, but will go back to it's shape. It bends under pressure.

A hard surface will often make a rather loud noise when something hard lands on it. It may break from the blow, or have a permanent dent. It will snap or be altered under pressure.

A soft heart isn't one you hear complaining when it takes a blow. A hard one does make noise and is breakable.


A cup brimful of sweetness cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, no matter how suddenly jarred--Amy Carmichael



If my relationship with God is right, my relationships with people will be as will. Where do wars and fights come from? Desires for pleasure.


Cures for depression. Here are mine:

1) change the focus from self to God; worship (Psalm 42:5)
2) realise that although I may have been the one who was at one point sinned against, I myself have committed greater errors against God. If he forgave me, so I must forgive others (Ephesians 4:32)
3) ask God to search me and to know me, and to point out any wickedness in my heart; pray and fast, purge myself of wickedness (Psalm 139:23, 24, 1 Corinthians 5:7)
4) change the focus from self to others; serve (Philippians 2:3)
5) talk to friends. ask for guidance, friendship, and hugs. (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 27:9)


I can't expect to hear from God if I'm not obedient. Disobedience breaks fellowship and communication. He will hear me, but it shuts my
ears to His language.