Your Way

Suddenly I'm not ready for this.

Just have to remind myself, the decision wasn't made for me.

I don't want to go, but I didn't make the choice to serve me. God's not doing this to take from me. Maybe now it feels like taking, but ultimately, it's in his grace that he is giving me whatever it is that he is giving me. Oh, I know I will need constant reminders, otherwise, self-pity will keep forcing itself in.

I was going to finish there, but then I realised what song is playing now and what my title will be.

I'm trying to believe that you're holding me
When the feeling, the feeling is gone
I want to see your right when I'm wrong
I just want to be what you want for me this time

I'll follow you
Will you guide me
Take me where I'm never lonely
I'll follow you
Will you guide me
I want to live my life your way
Your way

I'm trying to receive what you've offered me
When the leading, the leading is gone
I want to see your light tear through the blanket of night
I just want to be what you want for me all the time

Trust in you my father
You're the one I see
You're my air and water
You're everything I need
And I hear you inside of me

--Adie Camp, Your Way

Overwhelmed

I feel like a robot. It's as if my mind is completely over worked and I can only do basic functions now.

I'm exhausted, lonely, and stressed out. I have so much stuff to do in the next two weeks and I'm nervous about my latest endeavour. I feel like my expectations are too high and I will be disappointed. I don't even know what to write. . .

Sometimes

I wish I didn't need friends. Better to not expect anything from anyone to expect anything and have them be unreliable. Again. And again.

It really is a big deal, as in it changes my freakin life.

I really would do it by myself if it wasn't a stupid idea. Why can't I go back to the "I don't need you because I can do it better for myself" mentality?

Or maybe I should just go back to a routine and never pursue anything new.

Sometimes, friends really suck

Penholder

I feel your eyes crawling over me
As though I am something more than me
But I don't have anything good enough to say
I did not make myself this way

I'll show you what he did
But I won't take the credit
It's not mine anyway
I just held the pen that day

And I don't deserve this
This time right now
It's not something for which I can take the bow
And I don't deserve this
It wasn't me
I can't take glory for something that I can't be
I don't deserve this

I know what perfection is like
And I cannot stand before its might
And I'm so far from what you think that I must be
I just drown myself in mercy

I'll show you what he did
But I won't take the credit
It's not mine anyway
I just held the pen that day

And I don't deserve this
This time right now
It's not something for which I can take the bow
And I don't deserve this
It wasn't me
I can't take glory for something that I can't create
I don't deserve this
This time right now
It's not something for which I can take the bow
And I don't deserve this

And all the art that I supposedly create
Is simply a faded reflection of something he's already made

And I don't deserve this
This time right now
It's not something for which I can take the bow
And I don't deserve this
It wasn't me
I can't take glory for something that I can't create
I don't deserve this

by Flyleaf

Again, and Again

God has answered my prayers again! I'm so short on money with all that's happening since June. My expenses went up a lot just as I lost my second job, so what's happening in the next month was going to be difficult to finance. Except I got more money for my birthday than I make in a week. i don't think I've ever gotten even half of what I got today, and my gma said she would give me a cheque too if that's what I want for my birthday. God is so awesome!

I really find this funny, how he works.

sigh

I'm kinda depressed. I'm exhausted, and I'm alone.

I need to sleep but I can't.

Still, small voice

I was waiting for God to practically yell an answer at me. And then one day as I was walking I remembered he speaks in a still small voice. And the whispers I was hearing ended up being the thing I have decided to do.

I thought I needed a huge, sure sign, when really I knew the answer if I stopped and listened.
And then I got just a little sliver of confirmation. After I made the decision. I still don't like to talk as though it is a sure thing, because in reality it is not. But it's about as sure as I will be about it until it actually happens. I'm kinda like that. I don't believe it until it happens. Because plans get changed all the time

I'm glad I took that walk to the park and listened, and remember his methods on the way back

wow

I think it's absolutely crazy that my life will change completely no later than the 3rd of January.

Wow, God. Wow.