Why, God?

I've often wondered why certain things have happened in my life. There are three events in my life that have been very large happenings in my mind. The first was my 6 years spent in the Nursery at Calvary Chapel Vista; the second is the death of my uncle, and the third, my move to Colorado.

I'm seeing how much those three events have helped to shape me into who I am today. I have long wondered why I was allowed to start working in the Nursery when I was 10 years old. In fact, when I was 12, the new rule was that you had to be 16 to do that--but I was allowed to continue--which I did until I was 16. I've been reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye again (like the 4th time maybe?), and this morning I read about making the most of your singleness--basically studying at the School of Life while serving God. One of the things Joshua Harris mentions in the chapter is children. I think that if I never got into volunteer childcare when I was a child myself, I would still be struggling with what to do with my life--but those six years and my babysitting for Evan Wickham became the foundation of my resume as a childcare provider, which is something I LOVE. I honestly believe that God led me in this direction to prepare me for raising children, which in my mind, is a daunting (but enjoyable) task. I still don't know for sure if I'm going to get married. I want to, but I have no guarantee. I still, however, plan on raising kids--be it by foster care or continued childcare, and my experience is a great asset to have.

The second huge event in my life was the death of my uncle (by suicide). I was 12, he was 18. I felt so lost in life for years following Nathanael's death. I wondered how this could happen, and what I did wrong. Since Bible College, counseling has been something I've put a lot of thought into. I've always loved having answers for people, and when I took my Biblical Counseling class, taught by Jeff Christiansen, I learned how necessary biblical counsel is. Suicide affects a lot of people, and because I have gone through it, I can understand the guilt that probably every affected person feels. But I also know that the guilt is not ours to carry. I am a Christian. I believe that Christ died for my sins, taking my GUILT upon him. What right do I have to feel guilty, whether or not I am? Even if something is my fault, I must give it up to Christ--why would I want something to be paid for twice? I'm poor! Conviction is a whole 'nother story, but feelings of guilt are not something that I am supposed to have. Nothing more can be done once someone dies, anyway. How is regret going to fix anything? I've found that such feelings can become an obsession that hinders a Christian (or any person for that matter) from moving forward in life. I wasted half of my middle school years and all of my high school years, because I was controlled by my feelings of guilt. Now I still carry a sadness, but I have the joy of the Lord as my strength, and the will to progress. I have so much more life in me than I ever had. Even now, I shed tears as I type--after all, I am still subject to my human emotions. But my grief doesn't rule my life. Though it would be wonderful if there was not a single suicide more, the truth is, I am going to be surrounded by people (and possibly even be a person) dealing with suicide. Because I have finally allowed God to comfort me and grow me through my ordeal, I am going to be able to remind people of God's faithfulness to comfort us as we deal with the various problems that are caused by the sin in the world.


The final great event in my life came about a year ago--when I decided to leave California and come to Colorado. I STILL don't have an exact reason as to why I'm here (or how long I'm staying), but I have seen God draw me more and more to Him as I lead my new life. I am in the story of many childrens' lives here, whether I have a large role, or a small one, I am still in their lives. There are 8 children that I watch monthly, or more frequently, plus I interact with a lot more kids on either a temporary or infrequent basis. With some I have greater influence, some not so much. But there is no denying I have influence. I used to think I wasn't having much influence out here since I work in my own home and have few friends, but then I realised how many kids I interact with--and how many adults I know now (usually parents of those kids).

I don't think I can give CAUSES for these events that have happened, because there may be some things I don't know, but I can definitely give EFFECTS