Sunday, April 26, 2009
guilt
God's been showing me more of my pride--in a place I never thought it'd be found. It made me feel somewhat better to carry a feeling of guilt with me for so long--by thinking I must pay for what happened. Christ's blood wasn't enough in my mind--but my feeling of guilt was. What sense is there in trying to pay a huge debt one penny at a time? It's insulting, considering it's already been paid. Shall I say your thousands of dollars weren't enough to cover my debt? I must now pay a penny! My penny makes it better. It's pride. That pride, under it's pseudonym guilt, was the greatest hindrance to my progression as a Christian for over six years. All for a choice I didn't make--my uncle did. He chose to kill himself, and I chose to tell myself that I owed God. Letting go of my pride is painful. My grief still remains, but I don't even remember feeling this free or having this joy. I am choosing to believe that his grace is sufficient. I'm choosing to serve God TODAY and love His people TODAY instead of fretting over the fact I didn't perfectly embody his love yesterday (or 7 years ago). 2 Cor 12:9
Friday, April 24, 2009
Psychiatric Folk Song
I went to my psychiatrist to be psychoanalyzed
To find out why I killed the cat and blacked my husband's eye.
He laid me on a downy couch to see what he could find,
And here's what he dredged up, from my subconscious mind.
When I was one, my mummy hid my dolly in a trunk
And so it follows, naturally, that I am always drunk.
When I was two, I saw my father kiss the maid one day,
and that is why I suffer from kleptomania.
At three I had a feeling of ambivalence towards my brothers
and so it follows naturally I poisoned all my lovers.
but I am happy now I have learned the lessons this has taught:
Everything I do that's wrong, is someone else's fault!
By Anna Russell
guess what?
I'm moving to Texas!
someday. . .
at least I hope I am!
So, I've had this thing for Texas for who knows how long. I remember being severely disappointed when I found out I hadn't actually been to Texas. Just because we picked up my aunt when she left school in Texas, that doesn't mean we went all the way there! But to a 5 year old, it did mean going to Texas. So, in reality my first time there was when I was 18 and the only area I've visited is the tip of the thumb (aka El Paso)
I originally wanted to move to Paris (between the ring and pinky finger, where they're bent) but now, and I'm not quite sure why, I want to move to Lubbock (between the index and middle fingers where they hit the palm). I can say I won't be moving very soon. There's also a consideration of moving back to CA for a short time. I still have a month left of commitment at work, but I'm not planning on leaving immediately. I still don't know if I even will within the next couple of years. I love my job, and I'd stay here until Edi starts school if it works out. I'm really just going to continue living my life as I am now and wait and see if God leads me to do otherwise. I'm ready to say yes. I know I'll hate the weather if I move (please God, nowhere ridiculously hot and/or humid). I can't stand San Diego which supposedly has the best weather (my foot!). Irvine gets too hot, and so does Murrieta. even Colorado Springs does at times, but not like those other places, plus in the winter we usually get snow every two weeks. I feel like I'm rambling, but hey this is the warning--don't expect me to stay anywhere too long. I like moving to new places, just like everyone else who went to Bible College.
someday. . .
at least I hope I am!
So, I've had this thing for Texas for who knows how long. I remember being severely disappointed when I found out I hadn't actually been to Texas. Just because we picked up my aunt when she left school in Texas, that doesn't mean we went all the way there! But to a 5 year old, it did mean going to Texas. So, in reality my first time there was when I was 18 and the only area I've visited is the tip of the thumb (aka El Paso)
I originally wanted to move to Paris (between the ring and pinky finger, where they're bent) but now, and I'm not quite sure why, I want to move to Lubbock (between the index and middle fingers where they hit the palm). I can say I won't be moving very soon. There's also a consideration of moving back to CA for a short time. I still have a month left of commitment at work, but I'm not planning on leaving immediately. I still don't know if I even will within the next couple of years. I love my job, and I'd stay here until Edi starts school if it works out. I'm really just going to continue living my life as I am now and wait and see if God leads me to do otherwise. I'm ready to say yes. I know I'll hate the weather if I move (please God, nowhere ridiculously hot and/or humid). I can't stand San Diego which supposedly has the best weather (my foot!). Irvine gets too hot, and so does Murrieta. even Colorado Springs does at times, but not like those other places, plus in the winter we usually get snow every two weeks. I feel like I'm rambling, but hey this is the warning--don't expect me to stay anywhere too long. I like moving to new places, just like everyone else who went to Bible College.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Why, God?
I've often wondered why certain things have happened in my life. There are three events in my life that have been very large happenings in my mind. The first was my 6 years spent in the Nursery at Calvary Chapel Vista; the second is the death of my uncle, and the third, my move to Colorado.
I'm seeing how much those three events have helped to shape me into who I am today. I have long wondered why I was allowed to start working in the Nursery when I was 10 years old. In fact, when I was 12, the new rule was that you had to be 16 to do that--but I was allowed to continue--which I did until I was 16. I've been reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye again (like the 4th time maybe?), and this morning I read about making the most of your singleness--basically studying at the School of Life while serving God. One of the things Joshua Harris mentions in the chapter is children. I think that if I never got into volunteer childcare when I was a child myself, I would still be struggling with what to do with my life--but those six years and my babysitting for Evan Wickham became the foundation of my resume as a childcare provider, which is something I LOVE. I honestly believe that God led me in this direction to prepare me for raising children, which in my mind, is a daunting (but enjoyable) task. I still don't know for sure if I'm going to get married. I want to, but I have no guarantee. I still, however, plan on raising kids--be it by foster care or continued childcare, and my experience is a great asset to have.
The second huge event in my life was the death of my uncle (by suicide). I was 12, he was 18. I felt so lost in life for years following Nathanael's death. I wondered how this could happen, and what I did wrong. Since Bible College, counseling has been something I've put a lot of thought into. I've always loved having answers for people, and when I took my Biblical Counseling class, taught by Jeff Christiansen, I learned how necessary biblical counsel is. Suicide affects a lot of people, and because I have gone through it, I can understand the guilt that probably every affected person feels. But I also know that the guilt is not ours to carry. I am a Christian. I believe that Christ died for my sins, taking my GUILT upon him. What right do I have to feel guilty, whether or not I am? Even if something is my fault, I must give it up to Christ--why would I want something to be paid for twice? I'm poor! Conviction is a whole 'nother story, but feelings of guilt are not something that I am supposed to have. Nothing more can be done once someone dies, anyway. How is regret going to fix anything? I've found that such feelings can become an obsession that hinders a Christian (or any person for that matter) from moving forward in life. I wasted half of my middle school years and all of my high school years, because I was controlled by my feelings of guilt. Now I still carry a sadness, but I have the joy of the Lord as my strength, and the will to progress. I have so much more life in me than I ever had. Even now, I shed tears as I type--after all, I am still subject to my human emotions. But my grief doesn't rule my life. Though it would be wonderful if there was not a single suicide more, the truth is, I am going to be surrounded by people (and possibly even be a person) dealing with suicide. Because I have finally allowed God to comfort me and grow me through my ordeal, I am going to be able to remind people of God's faithfulness to comfort us as we deal with the various problems that are caused by the sin in the world.
The final great event in my life came about a year ago--when I decided to leave California and come to Colorado. I STILL don't have an exact reason as to why I'm here (or how long I'm staying), but I have seen God draw me more and more to Him as I lead my new life. I am in the story of many childrens' lives here, whether I have a large role, or a small one, I am still in their lives. There are 8 children that I watch monthly, or more frequently, plus I interact with a lot more kids on either a temporary or infrequent basis. With some I have greater influence, some not so much. But there is no denying I have influence. I used to think I wasn't having much influence out here since I work in my own home and have few friends, but then I realised how many kids I interact with--and how many adults I know now (usually parents of those kids).
I don't think I can give CAUSES for these events that have happened, because there may be some things I don't know, but I can definitely give EFFECTS
I'm seeing how much those three events have helped to shape me into who I am today. I have long wondered why I was allowed to start working in the Nursery when I was 10 years old. In fact, when I was 12, the new rule was that you had to be 16 to do that--but I was allowed to continue--which I did until I was 16. I've been reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye again (like the 4th time maybe?), and this morning I read about making the most of your singleness--basically studying at the School of Life while serving God. One of the things Joshua Harris mentions in the chapter is children. I think that if I never got into volunteer childcare when I was a child myself, I would still be struggling with what to do with my life--but those six years and my babysitting for Evan Wickham became the foundation of my resume as a childcare provider, which is something I LOVE. I honestly believe that God led me in this direction to prepare me for raising children, which in my mind, is a daunting (but enjoyable) task. I still don't know for sure if I'm going to get married. I want to, but I have no guarantee. I still, however, plan on raising kids--be it by foster care or continued childcare, and my experience is a great asset to have.
The second huge event in my life was the death of my uncle (by suicide). I was 12, he was 18. I felt so lost in life for years following Nathanael's death. I wondered how this could happen, and what I did wrong. Since Bible College, counseling has been something I've put a lot of thought into. I've always loved having answers for people, and when I took my Biblical Counseling class, taught by Jeff Christiansen, I learned how necessary biblical counsel is. Suicide affects a lot of people, and because I have gone through it, I can understand the guilt that probably every affected person feels. But I also know that the guilt is not ours to carry. I am a Christian. I believe that Christ died for my sins, taking my GUILT upon him. What right do I have to feel guilty, whether or not I am? Even if something is my fault, I must give it up to Christ--why would I want something to be paid for twice? I'm poor! Conviction is a whole 'nother story, but feelings of guilt are not something that I am supposed to have. Nothing more can be done once someone dies, anyway. How is regret going to fix anything? I've found that such feelings can become an obsession that hinders a Christian (or any person for that matter) from moving forward in life. I wasted half of my middle school years and all of my high school years, because I was controlled by my feelings of guilt. Now I still carry a sadness, but I have the joy of the Lord as my strength, and the will to progress. I have so much more life in me than I ever had. Even now, I shed tears as I type--after all, I am still subject to my human emotions. But my grief doesn't rule my life. Though it would be wonderful if there was not a single suicide more, the truth is, I am going to be surrounded by people (and possibly even be a person) dealing with suicide. Because I have finally allowed God to comfort me and grow me through my ordeal, I am going to be able to remind people of God's faithfulness to comfort us as we deal with the various problems that are caused by the sin in the world.
The final great event in my life came about a year ago--when I decided to leave California and come to Colorado. I STILL don't have an exact reason as to why I'm here (or how long I'm staying), but I have seen God draw me more and more to Him as I lead my new life. I am in the story of many childrens' lives here, whether I have a large role, or a small one, I am still in their lives. There are 8 children that I watch monthly, or more frequently, plus I interact with a lot more kids on either a temporary or infrequent basis. With some I have greater influence, some not so much. But there is no denying I have influence. I used to think I wasn't having much influence out here since I work in my own home and have few friends, but then I realised how many kids I interact with--and how many adults I know now (usually parents of those kids).
I don't think I can give CAUSES for these events that have happened, because there may be some things I don't know, but I can definitely give EFFECTS
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Shopping
I absolutely hate shopping for jeans! It seems like such a waste of time to me, because I have to look so hard for a pair that fits right. Because I'm tall, 'average' jeans do not fit in the least. Sometimes even 'tall' jeans don't. So first I look for ones that might actually go down to my heels so I don't get frostbiten ankles. Then I have to find ones that fit me right on my hips. If they're too tight or too loose, they will annoy me so much! It seems I've never been an exact size, but I'm always halfway in between. I wish that my favourite store would just take my measurements and have a pair of jeans made to fit me perfectly. I've always thought Laura Engalls Wilder, the author of the Little House on the Prairie series, had it nice--her clothes and shoes (don't even get me started on shoes!) were made to fit HER, not random measurements of some other girl. She didn't have the frustrations of trying to find clothing and shoes that fit her, because they were made specially for her.
When asked to describe dating, I stated it was like trying on clothes to see if they fit. For some, that is all they know. A girl will try out so many different guys until she finds one she wants, then she decides he's a keeper, takes him home, only to find flaws later, so she 'returns' him and restarts the whole ordeal.
Wouldn't it be nice if someone could just take our measurements and make a pair of jeans that fit PERFECTLY? You can actually find websites that will do this (and for a halfway decent price), because it's marketable. People don't want to spend hours shopping for a 'good enough' pair when they can get a perfect pair with a tape measure and a few clicks.
Finding a husband these days looks a lot like trying to find a good pair of jeans, except it takes a lot more time and effort--after all we have more requirements for a man than we do for our denim! And then girls go through dating relationships a lot faster than a pair of jeans. I don't see where they get the time for so many dating relationships in order to find 'the one.' Wouldn't it be nice if someone could just make a man that was just right, and send him at the perfect time? Sound too good to be true? It's not. It's called matchmaking and it's not obsolete. AND--It does not require a prying old yente of a Jewish matchmaker. Our Maker is more than qualified as a Matchmaker. Does he not know you even better than you know yourself? Not only that but he knows all those boys! And he knows which of the millions of men out there is a perfect match for your every detail and your every quirk. Is it beyond His means to arrange circumstances so that one might meet the person to whom they are to be married? Could it be possible that God really needs our help when he already knows who 'the one' is?
Why not wait on Him and instead focus your attention on serving God as you are--single--and trust the He will meet your needs?
I'm leaving my matchmaking to God, and in the meantime, wish me luck! I'm off to find a pair of jeans that look good, are comfortable, and won't cost me my entire dowry. . .wait. . .I mean salary
When asked to describe dating, I stated it was like trying on clothes to see if they fit. For some, that is all they know. A girl will try out so many different guys until she finds one she wants, then she decides he's a keeper, takes him home, only to find flaws later, so she 'returns' him and restarts the whole ordeal.
Wouldn't it be nice if someone could just take our measurements and make a pair of jeans that fit PERFECTLY? You can actually find websites that will do this (and for a halfway decent price), because it's marketable. People don't want to spend hours shopping for a 'good enough' pair when they can get a perfect pair with a tape measure and a few clicks.
Finding a husband these days looks a lot like trying to find a good pair of jeans, except it takes a lot more time and effort--after all we have more requirements for a man than we do for our denim! And then girls go through dating relationships a lot faster than a pair of jeans. I don't see where they get the time for so many dating relationships in order to find 'the one.' Wouldn't it be nice if someone could just make a man that was just right, and send him at the perfect time? Sound too good to be true? It's not. It's called matchmaking and it's not obsolete. AND--It does not require a prying old yente of a Jewish matchmaker. Our Maker is more than qualified as a Matchmaker. Does he not know you even better than you know yourself? Not only that but he knows all those boys! And he knows which of the millions of men out there is a perfect match for your every detail and your every quirk. Is it beyond His means to arrange circumstances so that one might meet the person to whom they are to be married? Could it be possible that God really needs our help when he already knows who 'the one' is?
Why not wait on Him and instead focus your attention on serving God as you are--single--and trust the He will meet your needs?
I'm leaving my matchmaking to God, and in the meantime, wish me luck! I'm off to find a pair of jeans that look good, are comfortable, and won't cost me my entire dowry. . .wait. . .I mean salary
Sunday, April 19, 2009
They
Grammatical errors were made to hide gender. . .
N's protected me when everyone else took advantage of me. That's why I love N so much.
C never apologised for what they did. C just blamed it on me.
D just wants me when they want something from me.
T never stayed around to help me, they just left.
Thank you N.
N's protected me when everyone else took advantage of me. That's why I love N so much.
C never apologised for what they did. C just blamed it on me.
D just wants me when they want something from me.
T never stayed around to help me, they just left.
Thank you N.
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