script

Is it rash?

Yes: head over heels in 5 minutes.

No: this is 3 years in the making.

I never knew what it felt like to really fall for someone. Sure, I've kinda done it before, but never really before. It was always like a one day thing. . .where my mind kinda went "what if?" and then I talked myself out of it because I knew I didn't like them. Heck I didn't even like the idea of them. And even at that, it's been many months since I've had that happen.

But this is different. He's that friend that no one has really heard about from me, and I'm not entirely sure why. But I've thought of him often. I've made sure to keep in touch.

Though I long to be with him, to have more memories of his touch, I'm still glad I kept my distance. The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person. Back then was most definitely the wrong time. Is now the right time? I hope so.

I can get to know him now without the thrill of him being close and the electricity at his touch. Maybe it will be easier, to learn to love him without using him to meet my desire for affection. Because it really sucks that he's not here, but anything worth having is worth waiting for. And so the wait begins. I was waiting a long time for this. And then it comes, and I get to wait some more.

God is scripting a story, and I don't have a clue what the plot is.

high

I'm so excited.


It's been a very exciting 48 hours.


Mostly, I'm excited about fixing my computer.
For the first time in a long time, I feel as if I did something useful.

Even if it was for me and not for someone else.
It gives me hope that I can be useful to somebody.

The Secret of Understanding

The man who has received my commands and obeys them--he it is who loves
me; and he who loves me will be loved by my Father; and I will love him
and will disclose myself to him" (John 14:21).
Have you felt that you were stumbling along more or less in the dark,
wishing now and then for a more vital spirituality, a greater
understanding of God, and more "love" for Him? Obedience is the secret
of spiritual insight. It is not given to any but those who obey, for
they are the *only* ones who love God. There is no love where there is
no obedience. To choose to disobey is to choose darkness. No wonder we
stumble. Open your heart to the Light by doing what God says. Then He
will know you as His true lover, will love you and disclose Himself to
you. And you will walk in the light.
--Elisabeth Elliot, "The Music of His Promises: Listening to God with
Love, Trust, and Obedience"

Disposable

I wonder, how is it that some people just seem more 'disposable' than others? I definitely am, and I've known some people who seem to be viewed as the same by others. Something I will be thinking about for the next few weeks.

Fulfilling My Purpose

I guess in some way, I've always known that my life was going to revolve around children. Slowly, I've begun to see how that would happen; just little bits being revealed as time goes by. I was going to wait to 'have' my first child until I felt I was more on top of my bills and being financially responsible. But I'll never be perfect, and waiting for that is waiting for nothing. A few nights ago, I knew I had to 'have' that child that very night. So I found the oldest child I could on Compassion's site. He's 3 months younger than I am, and will soon be out of the program. I was thinking yesterday about how little it costs me to change this young man's life. The cost to sponsor him is less than a day's wage per month. So basically, I give just a few hours' wages per month to help out this kid. A few HOURS. Such a small amount.

Wow, how many times have I thought I didn't have enough of something? I think I have too much, and it's blinding me to the graces that God has given me. Really, this goes back to the video I was watching when I made the decision to sponsor Tamirat. As the 'comfortable' I need to be afflicted.

quiet

penned 4 December 2008, 12:12

I just walked outside. It's 16 degrees with a 'feels like' of 8 degrees. It's snowing, and it is SO quiet. I have never seen such quiet weather! No birds chirping or squacking, no wind through the forest, no squirrels chattering, no kids playing, or dogs barking. Very few cars drive by, probably because driving in snow when there's already 3 inches on the ground isn't exactly the best thing. Jay also told me snow absorbs a lot of sound. It's really eerie. I want to go outside and hear the nothingness and think. Maybe I will. Heck, I can post a blog from my phone, so if I feel so inclined, I will continue.


I'm really lonely. I'm already thinking about moving again. . .not now or anything. Maybe I'll just meet more people out here and I'll want to stay. As much as I hate CA, and the people, there are some people there that I really really miss. I don't know why I want to go. . . I don't know if that's what God has for me. I know it's not time yet, so I'll just wait and see.


So. . .don't take this as 'I'm moving back' because: 1) I don't know if I am 2) If I am, it will still be a long time 3) I don't know where I would move to.

Farewell

I can't do this anymore. I. Give. Up. For today, and for tomorrow. In the future maybe not so much.


So go away, go away
And leave me on my own
Go away, go away
And leave me on my own

Ouch

“Every person has the power to make others happy. Some do it simply by entering a room -- others by leaving the room. Some individuals leave trails of gloom; others, trails of joy. Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism; others trails of faith and optimism. Some leave trails of criticism and resignation; others trails of gratitude and hope. What kind of trails do you leave?”--William Arthur Ward


“Only a life lived for others is worth living”---Albert Einstein

Repair

sigh. . .

I need to talk to "Walter" and just apologise.

My pride keeps telling me no, but I need to do this soon.

I really owe it to him, with all the shenanigans I've given him.

Extraction

1) To draw or pull out, often with great force or effort
2) To obtain despite resistance

just keep trying, it'll all come out, maybe in a rush, maybe trickling slowly. but it will come.

please don't be afraid

Christmas Song

A frightened virgin teenage girl
Receives a message that defies the laws of this world
All she can do is weep and nod
She's to bring into this world the Son of God

God's angel's sounds their trumpets and blow their horns
Tonight the long awaited Saviour is to be born
The goodness bound by Satan it has been torn
With this baby's precious brow ready for thorns

A star appears fulfilling ancient prophecy
There's an ounce of fear as Wise Men follow faithfully
The virgin Mary brings forth the human Saviour
And this future king sleeps soundly in the manger
Soundly in the manger

God's angel's sound their trumpets and blow their horns
Tonight the long awaited Saviour is to be born
The goodness bound by Satan it has been torn
With this baby's precious brow ready for thorns

Tonight he is born so one day he can die
To heal hearts that are torn and live the perfect life
So he can hang upon the cross and we can take his life
So we can live as sinners and he can pay the price
Tonight he is born so one day he can die
But he will rise again

God's angels sound their trumpets and blow their horns
Tonight the long awaited Saviour is to be born
The goodness bound by Satan, it has been torn
With this baby's precious brow ready for thorns
Ready for thorns..

By Flyleaf

This song makes me cry. Songs don't ever really do that, but the words, "The goodness bound by Satan, it has been torn with this baby's precious brow ready for thorns," just make me think so much. . .what was it like for Mary to look at her sweet baby's face and know that one day it would be marred beyond recognition? To know that "Tonight he is born so one day he can die," oh! what it must have done to her! I just think of how perfect little babies are, their bodies so wonderfully formed, their skin so soft, free of the wear, the scars. I can't bear to think of anything hurting a perfect little child. And she knew that her baby was born "To heal hearts that are torn and live the perfect life; So he can hang upon the cross and we can take his life;
So we can live as sinners and he can pay the price." Her child was born for those people. You know what I mean. She saw the people who couldn't care less about her child, yet he came for them. She probably looked at society, and saw murderers, thieves, rapists, and other such criminals, and couldn't imagine why anyone would want to die for them. And then one day her life changed when she found out she was going to be the one who would bear such a person. To invest her life into an innocent child, raise him, and then one day see him hang upon the cross. Oh, what great love that is! That God would send his son, and use a teenage girl to accomplish that task. She wasn't anything special, by society's terms, but she loved God and was completely open to him.

I need to be that. "How can I love you back? what can I do to show you?" (another flyleaf song that is playing now)

Oh man, what love! What a loving God!

listen

Re: Shy

Telling you was difficult. I did have to literally run away. But I told you. I won't tell you that no one EVER knew that before. I'd rather it seem cheap knowledge than to have you know what a big deal it was. I haven't really been with you enough to see how you respond practically. The walls are coming down. It scares me silly. But I think it needs to be done.

speak

People ask me about my friends, why I talk so much of them. I love my friends, I love them so much. When someone has romantic love for another, it's normal to gush about them. Why can I not talk so about my friends that last longer than any ol' boyfriend?

I'm sorry if it bothers you when I speak of my friends, but you know a person by the company they keep and it's simply me giving you an invitation to get to know me better.

I love babies (oh Edison! I miss him!), and so I talk about baby this and baby that all the time.
I love cooking, and so I talk about this spice or that recipe.
I love my friends, and so I speak of them. I speak highly of the ones I really care for.

If a topic is often on my tongue, it usually means I have a great deal of care for it. Yes, even that one person. I wouldn't talk about it if I didn't still at least have a feeling of attachment to them.

Fall

Shoulda known it wouldn't last.

waking

Have I finally woken from this dark dream?
I have some hope, just a glimmer.
But it's enough,
Or is it?

Soul Tie

"Go Away"

I am a part of your soul, boy
And when you say you're gone
I have to reach my arms outstretched to you
Because I know we're through

So go away, go away
And leave me on my own
Go away, go away
And leave me on my own

Finally it all makes sense
I could keep this all from you
And I could make a statement based on truth
But then it all comes tumbling down
Down, down, down

So go away, go away
And leave me on my own
Go away, go away
And leave me on my own
So go away, go away
And leave me on my own
Go away, go away
And leave me on my own

I am holding you (I am holding you)
I am holding you (I am holding you)
I am holding you (I am holding you)
I am holding you (I am holding you)

Go away, go away
And leave me on my own
Go away, and go away
And leave me on my own
Won't you go away, go away
And leave me on my own
Go away, go away
Leave me on my own

Honey, leave me on my own
Leave me on my own
Leave me on my own

--Eisley

Balance, Nightmare

It seems I can't figure out the balance in my life. Life moves so fast, and I don't just want to get sucked into the hurry. I want to cherish my time, my family, and my friends.

But right now I'm so dizzy. Contemplating a career is crazy. I'm 20, and if this is the avenue I'm to take in my life, I can't help but wonder if I just wasted the past few years. I could be graduating in the next year, but instead I decided to go another direction. I feel so old, so useless. I thought that for the past TEN YEARS my life was being shaped into what it needed to be to go down Avenue A, but now I'm not sure if that is being taken from me and if I need this Plan B.

How sad. I'm settling. This cynic doesn't believe that there can be such dreams anymore. My dreams have been stolen, and I have only nightmares now.

Rescue

Run, run away
Fly to safety, solitude
Cower in the dark,
Deny all requests,
They won't get in.

Try, your efforts will be rewarded.
Don't try, you'll be turned away,
Oh! but how you're needed!
Push in, press on, press on.

Trapped.
Waiting, when will they come?
Persistance is honoured,
Diligence has its prize
Break down the facade, Please!

Haunting

Every breath I take
I remember you
Dreams are strangely void
But in waking you're always there
I remember all the excitement
Oh, where has it gone?

Every thought, you're there
Haunting memories
I wish to forget
Oh, but no! You refuse to leave.
Push you out, then cry for your absense
Come back, then be gone!

I wish to go back to the way things were
But innocence cannot be revived
I claw, give back my heart!



Resolution may follow someday,
but for now, it's incomplete

Questions, I need you here

I want to run away. It was nice when I worked just one job in Colorado
and didn't have any problems when I turned my phone off. How I want to
just be a recluse and avoid everyone this very minute. What keeps
drawing me back to you? I feel as though I owe you responses, because I
don't like it if you don't respond. Thus, maybe a warning is in order.
But then there are questions. I don't want questions right now. But
then again, I do. I AM a dichotomy. I want you, yet I want you gone.
Temporarily, of course. I love you so much and wish you never gone for
a moment of my life. Even today, as I want you gone, I want you close,
even here, breaking down those impervious walls buried within my heart.
Will I ever confess to you my insecurities? Doubtful, but please try.
Open up your arms, I need you!

I got nothing left to show, Open up your arms. . . I need you here!

sometimes i just need to be held close. that's what i need right now.

figuring out life is crazy.

i wish i could say more, but this isn't the place.

just know i need you. i need your warmth, your comfort, your love.
hold me to you and tell me you'll stay

Shy

How I wish to say what I feel, but I haven't been able to bring myself to say it.

Sorry, it will be a while. Or it will never come out.

Till then, thanks for being there. I can't tell you how much it means

Apathy

I'm not sure how I go from what I felt last night (see below, "Moonlight") to what I feel tonight.
I feel apathetic, and as if there is no life in me.

I am definitely contemplating hiding for a while.

In some ways I miss him. But I'm also so afraid of him, and unwilling to just give myself to someone. I can't get my mind out of my friendships, and sometimes I just want to enjoy my friends, not worry about if I can trust them.

I want to tell my friends the secret to getting me to open up. But I'm afraid to

Moonlight

I love having friends that I can just be with. We're just laying on the
beach, hardly talking. And I love it. It's nice to have friends that
don't have awkward silences, we just have golden silence. Maybe I can
call this place home again. For now. . .

I really love my life.

P.S. Why is my abdomen hurting so bad?

the Lord delivers

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.

Psalm 34:19

Can it get any more blunt? The righteous are afflicted. We don't need to know why bad things happen to "good" people. I'm not getting into the whole "but we aren't good" thing. You already know that. It just says that we have God as our help WHEN we go through trials

I'm hungry.

an unruly evil, full of deadly poison

He said such damaging things to me. And maybe I to him.
Oh, the power of the tongue. Truth be told, even though I know I should take what my Creator says about me over what another person says, but if I'm going to be completely honest, it's easier to trust the tangible more than the invisible. I trust objects more than I trust God. I'm not always wholly convinced that God is going to provide every thing I need, but you rarely find me doubting the quality of my jeans. . .especially since I discovered Old Navy. That being said, I find it easier to think about the demeaning things he said to me than I do to believe what I read in my Bible.

Sleepwalker and Whispering Fingertips

My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak
My eyelids grow heavy and I might just fall asleep
Walking around in my sleep
Running into walls I cannot see
Falling and scraping up my face
Ignoring the softest spoken grace
How many times will I go and take the bait
Only for this hook to rip right through my face
How can I love you back?
What can I do to show you?
His piercing eyes meet mine
Please simply stay awake.
Talk to me and I'll hear you
Don't fall asleep this time
Gotta stay awake, gotta stay awake
Don't you see me reaching for you?
I swear I really do love you.
How can I love you back?
What can I do to show you?
His piercing eyes meet mine
Contemplating you is like a dream
I never want to wake up from what I finally see
Perfect circles turn in orbit
Following a perfect path from your perfect hand
When I look into your eyes
It's a world I can't believe
I can see my destiny
To be like you
Whispering fingertips
Leave your fingerprints
All over everything
Contemplating you is like a dream
I never want to wake up from what I finally see
Perfect circles turn in orbit
Following a perfect path from your perfect hand
Whispering fingertips
Leave your fingerprints
All over everything
When I look into your eyes
It's a world I can't believe
I can see my destiny
To be like you
Whispering fingertips
Leave your fingerprints
All over everything
--Flyleaf

Communication

It's amazing what can be accomplished though some candid conversation.
What was a source of pain before has been clarified, and has somewhat
lessened the blow. Wow!

Home, Sweet Home

I really miss home. I have a busier social calendar here, but life just
isn't what it used to be. Oh, God I want to go back there! I'm afraid
I might never, because Texas still seems to be in my future. . .and I'm
not sure how permanently.

When It's Over, Adie

My heart has been shattered. But never before have I wanted heaven so badly. Lord, keep me this way. You're so much better than any man on earth. I want to stayed focused on seeing you, not even caring about what happens down here in this blasted place.

It’s finally calming down
I’ve found the motion of life that spins around
Grows dim as I enter in

A trail of tears sing your embrace
The scars of death and life we face
But I know I’ll be with you soon

When it’s over
When it’s over
I’ll finally fall down at your feet
And feel your open arms take hold of me
When it’s over
When it’s over
I’ll finally touch your wounded hands
And see the beauty of what you have planned

Revealing grace’s final call
I can’t comprehend at all
My hope will be completed
Seeing you with eyes unveiled
Knowing without you I’d have failed
I’ll wait - come soon - I’m waiting

My anticipation turns into desperation
When I think of when I will be with you my Jesus

I know I shouldn't

but i REALLY HATE HIM right now

trust

what do you do when the one person that you trusted to protect you took from you exactly what they were to protect you from?

Your Way

Suddenly I'm not ready for this.

Just have to remind myself, the decision wasn't made for me.

I don't want to go, but I didn't make the choice to serve me. God's not doing this to take from me. Maybe now it feels like taking, but ultimately, it's in his grace that he is giving me whatever it is that he is giving me. Oh, I know I will need constant reminders, otherwise, self-pity will keep forcing itself in.

I was going to finish there, but then I realised what song is playing now and what my title will be.

I'm trying to believe that you're holding me
When the feeling, the feeling is gone
I want to see your right when I'm wrong
I just want to be what you want for me this time

I'll follow you
Will you guide me
Take me where I'm never lonely
I'll follow you
Will you guide me
I want to live my life your way
Your way

I'm trying to receive what you've offered me
When the leading, the leading is gone
I want to see your light tear through the blanket of night
I just want to be what you want for me all the time

Trust in you my father
You're the one I see
You're my air and water
You're everything I need
And I hear you inside of me

--Adie Camp, Your Way

Overwhelmed

I feel like a robot. It's as if my mind is completely over worked and I can only do basic functions now.

I'm exhausted, lonely, and stressed out. I have so much stuff to do in the next two weeks and I'm nervous about my latest endeavour. I feel like my expectations are too high and I will be disappointed. I don't even know what to write. . .

Sometimes

I wish I didn't need friends. Better to not expect anything from anyone to expect anything and have them be unreliable. Again. And again.

It really is a big deal, as in it changes my freakin life.

I really would do it by myself if it wasn't a stupid idea. Why can't I go back to the "I don't need you because I can do it better for myself" mentality?

Or maybe I should just go back to a routine and never pursue anything new.

Sometimes, friends really suck

Penholder

I feel your eyes crawling over me
As though I am something more than me
But I don't have anything good enough to say
I did not make myself this way

I'll show you what he did
But I won't take the credit
It's not mine anyway
I just held the pen that day

And I don't deserve this
This time right now
It's not something for which I can take the bow
And I don't deserve this
It wasn't me
I can't take glory for something that I can't be
I don't deserve this

I know what perfection is like
And I cannot stand before its might
And I'm so far from what you think that I must be
I just drown myself in mercy

I'll show you what he did
But I won't take the credit
It's not mine anyway
I just held the pen that day

And I don't deserve this
This time right now
It's not something for which I can take the bow
And I don't deserve this
It wasn't me
I can't take glory for something that I can't create
I don't deserve this
This time right now
It's not something for which I can take the bow
And I don't deserve this

And all the art that I supposedly create
Is simply a faded reflection of something he's already made

And I don't deserve this
This time right now
It's not something for which I can take the bow
And I don't deserve this
It wasn't me
I can't take glory for something that I can't create
I don't deserve this

by Flyleaf

Again, and Again

God has answered my prayers again! I'm so short on money with all that's happening since June. My expenses went up a lot just as I lost my second job, so what's happening in the next month was going to be difficult to finance. Except I got more money for my birthday than I make in a week. i don't think I've ever gotten even half of what I got today, and my gma said she would give me a cheque too if that's what I want for my birthday. God is so awesome!

I really find this funny, how he works.

sigh

I'm kinda depressed. I'm exhausted, and I'm alone.

I need to sleep but I can't.

Still, small voice

I was waiting for God to practically yell an answer at me. And then one day as I was walking I remembered he speaks in a still small voice. And the whispers I was hearing ended up being the thing I have decided to do.

I thought I needed a huge, sure sign, when really I knew the answer if I stopped and listened.
And then I got just a little sliver of confirmation. After I made the decision. I still don't like to talk as though it is a sure thing, because in reality it is not. But it's about as sure as I will be about it until it actually happens. I'm kinda like that. I don't believe it until it happens. Because plans get changed all the time

I'm glad I took that walk to the park and listened, and remember his methods on the way back

wow

I think it's absolutely crazy that my life will change completely no later than the 3rd of January.

Wow, God. Wow.

Keep a Quiet Heart

I asked for 1 week. Such a big decision. Lord, help!
I swear sometimes that's all I can pray. Sometimes I have no words except those two.

I'm afraid to make the wrong decision. I've been so unfaithful. . .what if my flesh is louder than his whisper?

I feel as if He just said Keep a Quiet Heart. I just read a book called that by Elisabeth Elliot.
That's what I shall change the title to.

This is such a hard decision. It was easier before, but now either way it will hurt. And either way it will be sweet. I think I'm going to go walk down to the playground and cry out to Him. And literally cry.

If Women Would Be Women,

Would men be men?

Somewhat. I've heard guys complain about the way women act. Yeah, blame it on the woman. . .just like Adam did.

Men are supposed to be the leaders, and I think that if they didn't react to the advances of women, women would get a clue. I'm not saying that men are the only ones responsible. I'm not waiting around for men to be men. Seems men these days are afraid of commiment and aren't stepping up to the plate. So women now are becoming more agressive, more forward, and more demanding.

But if men began to step up, to be clear about their intentions, and to look for a marriage partner, instead of just a sex partner, I think women would clean up their act.


I'm too tired to be writing this, because it's far from the depth and clarity I was originally aiming for.

Heatjambled

So I've been looking for this song FOREVER! well at least the lyrics.

So many times we think Christian life should be easy. But we weren't called to an easy life. It is in suffering that we have fellowship with Christ. (Phil 3:10)

Next time you are tempted to complain about Christian life not being easy, think to yourself, "What if Jesus demanded an easy time serving God?"

This life You've called me to is not like I thought at all
These days I just stay down and save myself the fall
Back then I thought Your will for me would just be mountain tops and sun
But here the laughter and rejection bear me down ~
I lie awake scared of a future I don't know
By faith I wait for You to lead but You're too slow
It's just not fair that serving You should cost so much and be so hard
I want to follow You but can't You clear the way ~

Make this easy - does it have to be so hard
You could never understand how bad I feel
Make this easy - I did not expect to fail
Take these trials Lord they weren't part of the deal ~

Head bowed and hands pressed to the rock He prays alone
The tears flow freely from a pain no one has known
He sees the beatings and betrayal that await Him with the sun
And for the first time God the human fees afraid ~

"Father please take this cup from me," He sobs in prayer
But unlike my selfish pleas doesn't stop there
He sets aside His fear and says, "Yet not My will, but Thine be done"
He took my burden though it was His right to say ~

Make this easy - I will not suffer for their sake
Let the sinners pay the price for what they've done
Make this easy - I choose not to take the pain
I guess I thought this Savior thing would be more fun ~

How do we dare to make a sound about our burdens
Compared to Jesus' burden we're not justified
So saturated with self pity we ask Him to ease the load
Though what He asks isn't the half of what He suffered when He died ~

Make this easy - does it have to be so hard
You could never understand how bad I feel
Make this easy - I did not expect to fail
Take these trials Lord they weren't part of the deal ~

--Everybodyduck, "Heatjambled"

Forgiven

Forgive me now cause I
Have been unfaithful
Don’t ask me why cause I don’t know

So many times I’ve tried
But was unable
But this heart belongs to you alone


Now I’m in our secret place
Alone in your embrace
Where all my wrongs have been erased
You have forgiven

All the promises and lies
All the times I compromise
All the times you were denied
You have forgiven


Forgive me I’m ashamed
I’ve loved another
I can’t explain cause I don’t know
No one can take your place
And there is no other
Forever yours and yours alone


Take me to our secret place
(We’ll leave the world away)
I get down on my knees
Feel your love wash over me
There will never be another
You’re the only one forever
And you know I’m yours alone

--"Forgiven", Skillet

Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all

--"When I Survey the Wondrous Cross", Isaac Watts

Gee, I might as well post the entire album! God's forgiveness is so amazing, and something I take for granted far too often. Lately I wish for God to reveal Himself more and more to me, and I'm in awe. . .for minutes, then I go about my own thing. I tell Him I trust Him and have given my all. But my all is so little. I want my all to really be all of me. It's the least I can do after His forgiveness and His amazing, divine love.

Don't Wake Me

I went to bed I was thinking about you
Ain’t the same since I’m living without you
All the memories are getting colder
All the things that I wanna do over

Went to bed I was thinking about you
I wanna talk and laugh like we used to
When I see you in my dreams at night
It’s so real but it’s in my mind


And now
I guess
This is as good as it gets


Don’t wake me
’Cause I don’t wanna leave this dream
Don’t wake me
’Cause I never seem to stay asleep enough
When it’s you I’m dreaming of
I don’t wanna wake up

Don’t wake me
We’re together just you and me
Don’t wake me
’Cause we’re happy like we used to be
I know I’ve gotta let you go
But don’t wake me


I went to bed I was thinking about you
And how it felt when I finally found you
It’s like a movie playing over in my head
Don’t wanna look ’cause i know how it ends
All the words that I said that I wouldn’t say
All the promises I made that I wouldn’t break
It’s last call, last song, last dance
’Cause I can’t get you back, can’t get a second chance

And now, I guess
This is as good as it get


These dreams of you keep on growing stronger
It ain’t a lot but it’s all I have
Nothing to do but keep sleeping longer
Don’t wanna stop cause I want you back

--Skillet, "Don't Wake Me"


This song describes what I'm feeling well. Only line I'd change is "Cause I can’t get you back, can’t get a second chance" to Cause you can't get me back, can't get a second chance.

Such a hard choice, that really catches up with me when I'm all alone. But it's for the best. I don't regret it. But, still, it's difficult.

Still Your Love Goes On

I love this song. I really don't have anything to say about it at the moment

I always complicate these things
Been living everything for me
But who can match Your grace
Your mercy can fill the darkest place

Still Your love goes on
Still You break me down
Still Your love runs free
Still You watch over me
Over me

I know sometimes I lose my way
And then my heart gets so afraid
But I realize and I must walk by faith and not by sight

Oh still Your love goes on
Oh still You break me down
Oh still Your love runs free
Oh still You watch over me

You watch over me ohhh
You watch over me yea yea
All is new

Oh Your love goes on its all that I can say
Oh Your love goes on it reaches all of me
Oh Your love goes on into my deepest dreams
Oh Your love goes on and on and on

Still Your love goes on
Still You break me down
Still Your love runs free
Still You watch over me

You watch over me
Oh yea
Your love goes on

Insomnia

Moving back to CA would fit my insomniac lifestyle better. I want to be
a morning person, but here it is 3 am and I'm not ready for sleep. I've
barely slept in a week, yet somehow I don't fall asleep.

I've been thinking about this all day

Broken Wings, Flyleaf

I can't figure out why I like this song so much.



Interesting move @ 3:18

Thank you for being
such a friend to me
Oh I pray a friend for life
And have I ever told you
how much you mean to me
Oh you're everything to me
I'm thinkin all the time
how to tell what I feel
I'm contimplating phrases
I'm gazing at eternity
I am floating in serenity

And I am so lost for words
And I am so overwhelmed

Please don't go just yet
Can you stay a moment please?
We can dance together
and we can dance forever

Under your stars tonight
We'll live and breathe this dream

Close your eyes
but don't dream too deep
and please pass me some memories
But I fall you're underneath
a thousand broken hearts
Carried by a thousand broken wings
A thousand broken wings

Just a little surprised

Things are happening. I have a sort of meeting on Thursday and I
neeeeeeeed guidance. Just asking for some prayer. Pray that God
confirms it (like through you). Only one person knows what this is
about--and I'm keeping it that way because for a lot of people their
advice would be influenced by emotion. But if God gives me an answer
before they know, it's either less of a let-down or just as exciting.
Still if I go through with this decision, it will be bittersweet. Like
tollhouse, mostly sweet but a little bitter.

On Marriage

I've been reading Let Me Be A Woman by Elisabeth Elliot. Man, if girls only read it before they got married!

She says in there that in a marriage a husband and wife will become closer to each other as they draw closer to God.

I felt like breaking out Paint again for sake of illustration

Disillusion

It seems as though the word disillusion is used most often in a sentence
about denying Christ. My disillusionment is with this world. it
doesn't offer me anything I truly want. I want to live a joyful,
well-spent life. I want to be in such close fellowship with Jesus that
he's all I think about. I don't want to ever care again about what I do
or do not have. You can have all this world, but give me Jesus.

I wonder

I was reading a book about the Ludy's yesterday (His Perfect
Faithfulness) and something I'd been thinking about since January popped
into my head. Except I had this crazy though that what I wanted to do
was a step toward marriage. And when I eventually say what it is, it
will sound strange. I'm inclined to think it's of God because it's the
exact opposite of what I've wanted to do. When I get these crazy
thoughts in my head, I just go, hmmm must be God.

So I know this is really long. . .but. . .it's gonna getcha thinking

Why YOU Should Go to the Mission Field

Keith Green's Final Message

An Introduction By Melody Green

I want to encourage you to read the following article by Keith with an open heart. It was completed only a few days before Keith and two of our children, Josiah and Bethany, went home to be with Jesus in a fatal plane crash. The following message was a real expression of the fresh burden the Lord had put on his heart. As Keith explains, this is so much more than "just another article." It was something that the Lord had put burning in Keith's heart and was to be his new emphasis of message to Christians - especially those Christians in America.

I know that most of you are aware of the fact that Keith's message almost from the start of his ministry, was "get right with God!" He wasn't very shy about preaching it, and I know that because of his boldness, many hearts opened up to the Holy Spirit's conviction and the reality of God. Keith so wanted to see every Christian totally sold out to the Lord - not lukewarm or half-hearted - but as he put it in one of his last concerts, bananas for Jesus!

I believe the vision for missions is a completion of Keith's message for Christians to really be right with God. The question is this - once you are right...then what? do you just sit around in your "rightness", or do you seek God's direction to see how and where you can be used most effectively for the Kingdom of God? What the world is dying for is hundreds and thousands of believers who are determined to see the lost find out who their Creator is before they stand before Him on that great and awesome day.

I know it would be Keith's greatest desire (aside from the salvation of the lost) for you to take this matter seriously before the throne of God. If you will lay all your personal goals at the foot of the cross, and ask Jesus what He wants you to do with your life, then I know Keith's burden from the Lord will be born in the hearts of many of you - and carried to the ends of the earth! - Melody

Part I: The Call Of The Lord

A Biblical Look At The Missions Call

I recently returned from visiting some overseas missionary bases, and I must say that since returning, my life has not been quite the same. The vision and goals of our ministry have suddenly changed. The Lord definitely did something to my heart on that trip. Besides showing me how small my vision had been, He began to give me a great burden to see the ranks of His army in the field swell!

One of the greatest things God opened my eyes to was how tremendously evangelized my own country was, while the rest of the world was barely being reached. As I traveled from country to country, I thought of the millions of people I was passing through who needed to have the Gospel of Jesus shown to them in a real way - and yet there was hardly anyone there to reach them.

As I visited each mission base, I spoke with different missionaries, and picked up various pieces of literature that told the story of what was being done in different parts of the world to expand the Kingdom of God. As I read the statistics, I was shocked - I really had never known how little the need was being met!

When I returned home, I got hold of some of the leaders of different missionary organizations and set up some meetings to find out more about what was being done to fill the need. After these meetings, I decided to do a study of God's Word (to see what He had to say about reaching the lost in other countries), and I also read through some more of the missions literature I had been given.

This article is the result of that study, and also a burning desire in my heart to see 100,000 young people released to the mission field over the next five years!

So...why should you go to the mission field?

1) Because Jesus has told you to go.

"Go into all the world and preach the Gospel to all creation." (Mark 16:15)

With these words, Jesus made it clear exactly what His disciples were to do - they were to spread His teachings in His name, preaching salvation unto the ends of the earth. (Rom. 10:18) If you consider yourself a "believer", then you must consider yourself a "disciple" of Jesus - no less called and chosen than the very first 12 apostles. There are no such things as "1^st class" Christians and "2^nd class" Christians - every believer is called to spread the Good News about Jesus to those who have not yet heard. Jesus' command is definite and clear - it is His great mandate, His "Great Commission" to the soldiers in His holy army. We must go, because our great General has commanded us to go.

2) You should go because the need is so great.

"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Therefore, beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest." (Matt. 9:37-38)

Ever since Jesus first spoke these compassionate words, the supply of workers in the fields of soul-harvest has always been horribly low. But today the need is the greatest it has ever been in the history of mankind. Remember, Hell is not just for the weekend! More people are alive today, and more souls are at stake, than the total number of people who have ever lived on the face of the earth in all of human history! This simply means that we can populate either Heaven or Hell by our obedience or our laziness. There are over 2,700,000,000 people who have never heard the Gospel at all, and there are only 5,000 to 7,000 missionaries worldwide, working directly with these totally unreached groups of people.¹ That means there is approximately one missionary for every 450,000 of these people! There are over 16,000 different and distinct cultures and people-groups - even whole countries, where not one single church is in existence.² There are 7,010 distinct living languages, and 5,199 of them still have no Bible or Scripture translations available in their own language!³ Do these figures move you at all? Does it matter to you that an estimated 80,000 unsaved people die every day (approximately 3,333 every hour...55 people every single minute!) to face the judgment seat of Christ?⁴

3) You should go because so few Christians are obeying the call, making the need even greater!

"Faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the Word of Christ...how shall they hear without a preacher?" (Rom. 10:17,14)

Right now worldwide there are only 85,000 workers on the mission field - working mainly among those who have heard the gospel before.⁵ This figure includes missionaries from all over the world of every nationality. When you compare this number with the amount of Americans selling Avon or Amway products, it is staggering. Just in America alone there are 435,000 Avon sales-people⁶ (with 1,280,000 worldwide), and over 750,000 Amway products distributors,⁷ (with over a million worldwide)! Do you realize that these two companies combined have 14 times more representatives in the United States alone than the Church of Jesus Christ has in the whole world outside of America?

And what about the Christian representatives we do have in the world? Only 9% of the world's population speaks English, and yet 94% of all ordained preachers in the whole world minister to the 9% who speak English. And 96% of all Christian finances are spent in the United States on 6% of the world's population. Only 4% of all Christian money is spent on missionary efforts to reach the other 94% of the world's population! There are over 1,000,000 full-time Christian workers in the United States; while one half of the world's population (3 major groups - Moslem, Hindu, and Chinese), 2,200,000,000 people, have only 2,417 full-time Christian workers.⁸ As you can see by these figures, something is definitely wrong. While we in America have approximately one worker for every 230 people - those who have never heard the Gospel even once have one worker for every 450,000 souls! Please forgive us, Jesus, for being too timid to obey You and reach out into all the world like You have commanded us to!

4) You should go because God gives special anointing and grace to those who leave their own land, people, and culture to do God's will and spread the Gospel.

"And the Lord said to Abram, 'Go forth from your country and from your relatives, and from your father's house...and I will bless you and make your name great; and so you shall also be a blessing; and I will bless those that bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.'" (Genesis 12:1-3)

Abram ( later to be renamed Abraham by God ) is only one of the many people in the Bible who God used mightily only after he left his own people, his own land, and his own culture. Look at the travels and ministries of people like Jacob and Moses - both of whom had to go into other lands to learn from God and be used by Him.

No matter where you look in the Bible, God always gave a great anointing a and blessing to those who served Him in a foreign land. Look at Joseph and Daniel. They were the only two men in the Bible who God raised up as successful, secular officials in foreign and heathen cultures - and they remained faithful witnesses and servants of God to the very end, and often at the risk of their very lives!

What about Jonah? He was a good example of someone who didn't want to go to the mission field and preach to heathens! Stubborn, rebellious, and selfish - and yet God "made him an offer he couldn't refuse." ( I pray that God would freely move like that in all our lives, "helping" us to make the right decisions about going.)

And then there's the apostle Paul - who had such a burden for his own people and country, Israel. Oh , how he would have loved a ministry among the Jews! But what did God say? "Go! For I will send you far away to the Gentiles." (Acts 22:21) That's what God commanded, and "go" he did. Never was there a missionary like Paul. Take a look at II Corinthians 11 if you'd like to see a list of his qualifications: beatings, imprisonment's, stonings, mobs, shipwrecks, the list goes on and on - and so did Paul, obeying his Master who bought him.

From Noah to Abraham, from Moses to Jonah, from Daniel to Paul, God has always given special blessing to those who, leaving the comforts of home and relatives, cross the boundaries of their little worlds to bring God's message and blessing to the nations.

Remember Jesus' words about this subject, "A prophet is not without honor except in his home town, "(Matt. 13:57)

5) You should go because America (and some other western nations) is literally drenched with the Gospel, while most other countries and cultures of the world do not have any continual, relevant witness a all.

"And thus I aspired to preach the Gospel, not where Christ was already named, that I might not build upon another man's foundation; but as it is written, 'They that had no news of Him shall see, and they who have not heard shall understand.'" (Rom. 15:20-21)

It is so true that we here in America are continually bombarded with Christian witness and ministry. Almost at every turn there's a billboard or a bumper sticker proclaiming something about Jesus. Turn the dial on your radio at any time of the day or night, and you've got non-stop preaching. There are several Christian satellite and cable networks. And there are over 250 different Christian magazines and publications. In most cities there's a church on almost every corner. I am not trying to say that this is all bad - a lot of it is good, winning many souls to Jesus - but as I've traveled overseas, it is hard for me to believe that it is God's will for there to be so much Gospel preaching and literature available here, while there is comparatively little or even none in many places outside of this country.

The world is going to Hell on every continent! Is it God's fault that so few are hearing the gospel - or is it the Church's? Aren't we who love Jesus accountable to reach our generation with the gospel? A friend of mine has written, "this generation of Christians is responsible for this generation of sinners." If this is true, then each of us must take a good, long look at our lives and priorities - finding out where God would have us begin to get ready to go!

6) You should go because, as Oswald J. Smith said, "No one has the right to hear the Gospel twice, while there remains someone who has not heart it once."

"But if our Gospel be hidden, it is hidden to them that are lost: in whom the god of this world has blinded the minds of them which believe not, that they might not see the light of the Gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." (II Cor. 4:3-4)

Has it occurred to you that Jesus wants every creature to hear the Gospel? If you had 20 children to feed and plenty of food to feed them all with, do you think it would be right to give 3 of the children 10 meals, 7 children only 1 meal, and the remaining nothing - causing them to die of starvation? That's exactly what we're doing with the Gospel in the world today!

Because we believers are so deaf to God's call to go into all nations, we keep most of God's resources to ourselves! We keep feeding and reaching the same people over and over again. I am not saying there should be no Gospel preached in America, I am saying that there needs to be a spreading out of the soldiers of God, to fight the enemy where his greatest strongholds are - "where Christ is not already named"!

7) You should go because the time is short. More and more countries are closing their doors to missionaries and the Gospel, and we must go now.

"We must work the works of Him who sent me, as long as it is day; night is coming, when no man can work." (John 9:4)

I constantly hear of country after country where missionaries used to be welcome, but now the doors are closed to them entering. Though it is true that many Christians can still go to be subtle witnesses as doctors, teachers, engineers, etc., the Gospel can no longer be openly preached in many lands.

Although there are still vast areas of the world wide open for foreign evangelism, such as western Europe, parts of Asia, and most of the Pacific (Japan, South Korea, Singapore, etc.) there are many other countries where it is illegal to hold a street meeting or pass out Gospel literature. We need to sense the urgency of this hour, and obey God by reaching out to those lost in the darkness "while it is still day."

8) You should go because the Holy Spirit is speaking to Christian leadership all over the world that it is God's desire for there to be a great final missionary thrust with the Gospel before the end of the age. It is His desire that every people should have the Gospel preached to them, and that the Gospel should be published in every nation and in every language. And unless YOU get involved personally, there is no hope of that ever happening in our generation!

"...And you shall be my witnesses both in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and even to the remotest part of the earth." (Acts 1:8) "And this gospel of the Kingdom shall be preached in the wholeall the nations, and then the end shall come. " ( Matt. 24:14) "The Lord is...patient toward you, not wishing for you to perish but for all to come to repentance." ( II Peter 3:9) world for a witness to

Is there any doubt in your mind that God wants everyone to be saved? If you believe this, and you really love Jesus, then WHY are you so timid about getting involved in this great thrust to bring the Gospel to all the nations? Do you think that while you're reading this, God isn't grieved that His Church is being so lazy and disobedient about fulfilling his commission? He knows that you agree with the Scriptures, and He's listening to every excuse you're turning over in your mind like, "Yes, I know that more people need to go...but He just couldn't mean ME! I'm...just not the 'missionary-type'..."

In Part 2 of "Why YOU Should Go To The Mission Field," we will see what "type" of Christian you really are...

Part II: The Most Commonly Heard Excuses

The following objections are just a few of the many that Christian groups and missionary societies constantly hear from prospective recruits for the mission field. Although many may merely be excuses, we have heard them spoken so many times as serious statements from well-meaning Christians in response to the question, "Why don't you get trained to go into full time Christian service in a foreign country?

1) "But I'm not called."

You don't know how many people I've met who have said to me "Keith, I agree that more people need to go to the mission field, but I've never heard God tell me to go."

Well, the truth is that God has already told you to go in His Word. In fact, He commands you to go... "Go ye into all the world, and preach the Gospel to every creature." ( Mark 16:15) That's right... YOU ARE CALLED!

In fact, if you don't go, you need a specific calling from God to stay home. Has God definitely told you not to "go" somewhere outside your country to preach the Gospel? If He hasn't, then you'd better start praying WHERE to go, instead of IF you should go - for again, you're already called!

2) "But God needs people to stay here to be a witness to those lost in America. There's enough need right here!"

It is true that God has called some people to stay right where they are to be witnesses for Jesus in their daily lives and professions. But again, God is merciful and just. Since America has only about 5% of the world's population, then only about 5% of the believers would really be called to stay in this country as a witness ( that's only about 1 out of 20) while the rest of us should go into the parts of the world where there are almost 0% believers. (In Albania, for instance, there are only "a handful" of known believers in the whole country of 2.7 million people - less than 1/2 of 1/1000^th percent!!)⁹

3) "But God needs people to stay home and financially support those ministries and missionaries who are already all over the world. In fact, my church is already supporting some missionaries with my tithes and offerings."

You should never have to worry about there not being enough Christians staying home to support missionaries! There will always be enough people around who will not answer the call to go - who will stay home and gladly just send a check (instead of themselves) to reach to lost. After all, nothing is easier to give than money (except nothing!).

This does not mean that everyone who stays home is selfish and disobedient. As I've already said, there are some who know they are definitely called to stay, and they are doing exactly what God would have them do here, while they greatly support other ministries. I'm just saying that there will always be plenty of people around to financially support the pitifully few who answer the call and obey God.

4) "But my family and friends would frown upon me going."

"He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me..." (Matt. 10:37)

God is very clear about whose approval we should seek. It's shocking to me how even Christian parents react when their children say that they'd like to go for training as a full-time Christian worker. "A missionary! Are you crazy?!" It's as if they've announced they'd like to be a thief or a prostitute.

It is true that God wants us to honor our parents and love our friends, but He has also made it clear in His Word that this honor and love must not exceed our love and obedience to Him and His calling on our lives. We should always try our best to explain God's call to our families, lovingly and patiently, but the bottom line must be that we will obey Christ no matter what the cost. We should always try to get our family's understanding and blessing when God makes our ministry clear to us, but we must also always be ready to leave "houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or farms" for His sake "and for the Gospel's sake." (Mark 10:29)

5) "But I need to stay here and lead my relatives to the Lord first. If I go somewhere else, how can they get saved?"

There was once a man who wanted to follow and obey Jesus, but he said to Him, "Lord, permit me first to go and bury my father." Jesus' answer to him was, "Follow me; and allow the dead to bury their own dead." (Matt. 8:21-22)

This may sound cruel of Jesus not to allow the man to have a funeral for his dead father - but most likely, the man's father had not died yet. The phrase "wait until I bury my father" was sometimes used to say "wait until my father has died." What he was really saying was, "I'd like to follow You now, but You see, my parents wouldn't understand. Please wait until after they've died, and then I'll be more than glad to follow You!"

Jesus' answer was appropriate... "allow the dead to bury their own dead." In other words, "allow the unbelievers to take care of themselves, and follow Me!" Jesus doesn't want us to throw our usefulness away because our relatives are not yet saved. The greatest witness they can see is you fully obeying the call of God on your life. Jesus didn't want this man's father to be buried - He wanted the young man to follow Him, and then maybe even the man's father would come to know Him too. Obedience is truly greater than sacrifice (I Samuel 15:22) - when we obey God, He takes care of all our other obligations. (Matt. 6:33)

6) "But I need to get an education first."

I don't believe that God wants every Christian to go to college just because, "Well, everyone goes to college now, unless they're too dumb!" You shouldn't go to college unless God has definitely called you to go. Just like everything else in our Christian lives, He's the Master, we're the servants. He's the General, we're the soldiers. If you're really a Christian, you're at the beck and command of the King. If you're not at His command, then you're really not a Christian.

Yes, God does call some people to go to college. Sometimes it's to get training for a ministry calling He's made clear to them. For instance, if you know what country you're called to, perhaps God would lead you to learn the language and culture somewhat before you go (although the very best place to learn is within the country itself - it's a definite "crash course"!)

Of course, another reason God might lead you to college is to minister to people right there on the campus - as well as to mature emotionally and spiritually. But be careful! Make sure you're there in direct obedience to God, or else you're wasting your time - and His.

7) "But I need to get married first, and then maybe my mate will want to serve God full-time on the field, rather than me going alone."

Nothing could be a more foolish reason for putting off obeying God now. God does not want you to look for a husband or wife, He wants you to be married to Him, and trust Him for any mate He may bring into your life. I know of many single Christians serving Jesus overseas who are trusting Him for everything. And some of the most beautiful stories of God's grace I've ever heard are told by couples who went to the mission field single, and then God led them to marry another whose heart was also fully devoted to serving Him there. Remember, "Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." (Matt. 6:8) Trust Him!

8) "But I have a family to support. God doesn't want me to neglect them, does He?"

The Word of God says, "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you." (Matt.6:33) If you can trust God for your needs, you can certainly trust Him for your family's needs. You would never be foolishly "neglecting" your family's needs by obeying God's call to go. God will show you the way. I know of so many families - some with many children - who are on the field right now, trusting God for their needs while they minister in His name. I have never heard of ONE occurrence where God didn't meet the needs of one of His servants and their families. As King David said...

"I have been young, and now I am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, or his descendants begging bread. All day long he is gracious and lends; and his descendants are a blessing." (Psalm 37:25-26)

9) "But the mission field is dangerous. God would not have me put myself or my family in danger of disease or native hostilities, would he?"

"Why is the Lord bringing us into this land, to fall by the sword? Our wives and our little ones will become plunder; would it not be better for us to return to Egypt?" (Numbers 14:3)

It is all a matter of our priorities - do we look at the temporary or the eternal in making our choices? It's true that you will probably be in more physical danger on the mission field than you would be in the suburbs of America, but that is part of the cost that we need to count when it comes to serving God. The question should not be, "Will I be kept safe wherever I go?" but rather, "What is on the Lord's heart for me to do?"

If Jesus decided to go the way of least pain, He would have never gone to the cross. There is no place of greater blessing for you than in the center of God's will. You must stop to count the cost, but remember one thing - the privilege of serving God always outweighs the price! "If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake and the Gospel's shall save it." (Mark 8:34-35)

10) "Although in the past most countries freely allowed foreign missionaries to come, most people in other lands now resent them. Why should I go where I'm not welcomed?"

Did you welcome the Gospel before you were saved? The Word says that we should save some, "snatching them out of the fire," (Jude 23) Some people just don't want to be saved! That's exactly why we need to go to them. The more unwelcome, the better. If they resent Americans, then you have an opportunity to show them that Christian Americans can be humble with the love of Jesus in their hearts. For the Word says, "He who is wise wins souls." (Proverbs 11;30)

11) "But I could not afford to get the training, and raise the necessary finances to place myself (or my family) on the field."

Don't worry, God'll help raise the money you need. Wherever God guides, He supplies - even if it means helping you get a job! Problems and worries about finances are usually only a surface excuse when it comes to obeying God to go. In your heart you know He'll make a way for you!

12) "But I don't have any special talents or abilities that would qualify me to be a missionary."

Then you're just the person God is looking for! Sure God can use nurses, teachers, accountants, and mechanics on the field, but it always blesses God to greatly use the one who seemingly has nothing to offer. It is this person who has the opportunity of purely representing Jesus in the endless "common" tasks that are part of the daily life of a missionary. "When I am weak, then I am strong." (II Cor. 12:10; also see I Cor. 1:26-31)

13) "But how could I commit myself for years and years to go to the field without having a chance to see what it would be like?"

It is true that in past generations a foreign missionary had to make almost a lifetime commitment before he could go to the field. Then in most cases, he had to go to college for at least four years, and then seminary for two to four years before he could even begin his missions training and service. But today there are missionary organizations that have short-term programs for people who want to receive training and find out what serving God in other countries is like. These programs last from a few weeks to a few years in length. So now there is an opportunity to "take a look" before making a much longer commitment.

14) "But God wants me to stay in this country and prosper. The reason the rest of the world is so poor and unconverted is because their heathen religions and idolatry have caused them to live in ignorance and poverty, without God's blessing."

This has to be THE most selfish reasoning I've ever heard for not going - and I've heard it! Of course they live in ignorance and poverty, that's just the reason you should go - to bring the enlightenment that comes from knowing the truth about Jesus, and to bring them the true riches of knowing Christ. If you don't believe that the reason God has blessed you with abundance in this country is so you can be a blessing to others - then you have never understood the Gospel of Jesus Christ! "Freely you received, freely give." (Matt. 10:8)

15) "I'm just not ready to make that kind of a sacrifice and commitment."

Ah! That's just the point. That's probably the underlying reason for almost every one of the above objections. In fact, you might just as well have said, "I'm not willing." You need to decide whether or not you are a disciple of Jesus - that is the question. If you are His disciple, then "you are not your own...you have been bought with a price." (I Cor. 6:19-20) And if you truly love Him, then you will not feel bondage, you will feel incredible excitement at being chosen to represent Him in the world! To be a servant of Jesus Christ, an ambassador, a missionary, is the highest calling a man or woman can attain to!

Now what are you waiting for??

FROM here

accessed 31 July 2009

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The part that really got me thinking was point 1. It's so simple, I've read it so many times (I think it was even the first verse I memorised in French), yet somehow I skip over it. True, sometimes God does call us to our own land, but unless that is the specific call we have, then quoting " For you are not sent to a people of unfamiliar speech and of hard language, but to the house of Israel, not to many people of unfamiliar speech and of hard language, whose words you cannot understand." (from Ezekiel 3:5,6) isn't going to make it your calling. One great reason I can think of is “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature" (Mark 16:15) is in the New Testament, which takes precedence over the Old. Be willing and ready to go share the gospel anywhere. And stay behind only if God makes it clear you should do so.

To be honest, I haven't shared the gospel with a stranger in years. I'm afraid to. such a terrible excuse! Sure, I will talk about Christ to people I know, but that's pretty exclusive. . .

baghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

what kind of a word is that?

I'm so frustrated. Why is my life such a roller coaster? The stuff on the outside isn't what bugs me. It's not when stuff happens to me--it's the stuff on the inside--when I happen to myself. I don't stay steady, moving closer to God. I'm a total zig zag. I want to illustrate this. Time to break out the Paint (meaning that crappy free software)

I have blessed peace with my Lord so near

Such a crazy week, such a great thing to trust in Jesus. My faith
wavers, something I don't take pride in. But today, I'm trusting my
Jesus, and praying for the strength to trust Him even more tomorrow. I
feel a supernatural peace, too calm for the storm around me. It makes
me so happy. Never underestimate my Jesus.

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
Leaning, leaning,
Safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
Leaning, leaning,
Safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
Leaning, leaning,
Safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Iris Dement, Leaning On the Everlasting Arms

Some Balance

God doesn't use bumps on logs. He wants people who have the faith to
"let go and let God" but not to the point where they do absolutely
nothing in the name of faith. He doesn't need us, but he wants to use
us--if he didn't, why, then, are people subjects of sentences in the
Bible? We are called to pray, to witness, to study, to serve, not just
receive, receive, receive!

Don't just sit around in the name of faith, waiting for God's promises!
Be busy doing what he has for you today, while praying for his provision
for tomorrow.

I think Everybodyduck has the best lyrics ever. Here's "some balance":

In his seat, in a boat, on an ocean far from here
there's a man out on the water all alone.
But his time is wearing thin
'cause a storm is moving in
that will crush his boat and sink him like a stone.
Staring up at the sky he can see the hurricane
figures he has time enough to get away.
But instead he turns around, drops the paddles and kneels down
and like a pious man of God begins to pray.

Oh, we've got to draw the line
between having faith and being blind.
Use your mind if you've got time, don't drop the oars.
God will save you like He said
but you've got to use your head.
So when the storm comes pray to God but row for shore.

On a couch, in a house, on a street not far from here
you sit and watch the opportunities pass by.
Mindlessly waste your life away
hoping God would save the day
when all along you could have lived if you'd have tried.

Faith is right, God delights
when we trust him with our lives
but we must clear the path so God can lead the way.
He will cause the crop to yield
if we'll wisely work the field
but faith and action hand in hand's the only way.

Oh, we've got to draw the line
between having faith and being blind.
Use your mind if you've got time, don't drop the oars.
God will save you like He said
but you've got to use your head.
So when the storm comes pray to God but row for shore.